After talking with my RE about both of my miscarriages she recommended we take a break from cycling and do an ERA test; ERA stands for endometrial receptivity analysis. Basically we would cut down my medications to just a few and instead of transferring an embryo my RE would take a biopsy of my uterine lining and have it tested. The test would determine if we are transferring our embryos at the right time or if it needs to be adjusted.
We attempted to do this with 2 different cycles and my body simply would not cooperate. We had to cancel both cycles and plan to do another. With the second cycle I finally just got tired of it. We have been cycling on and off with my RE now for almost 2 years which is not really a long time but that's also only 2 years of the 7 we have been trying now. Even when we were not in the middle of a cycle it still consumed our lives. Are we doing enough? Should we be doing more? Should we go more natural? Are we saving enough? Have we tried everything we can? Should we be asking more questions? There is so much that you worry about that your downtime doesn't even seem like downtime.
So with the second ERA cycle I finally was just done. I talked to John about what I wanted to do and once we had come to our own decision, I emailed my nurse and let her know I was done. I was ending the cycle and stopping my medication because I needed a break. I sent this email on Oct. 9th, 2018. At first, I wasn't sure I was making the right decision but the longer I have thought about it. Thought about where I am mentally and emotionally, I know I made the right decision for me; no matter how hard it was to make. We chose to take the remainder of the year off from cycling. Absolutely nothing to do with cycling. We know we want to pick back up either in January or February but other than that we haven't done a thing. In this time, I have realized how much I needed this.
Based on my initial FET in February 2018 I should be a Mother by now. I should be holding a child and loving them unconditionally. But that's not what happened. Instead I have a tub of baby stuff I have collected that haunts me. Almost laughs at me mockingly every time I see it. It serves as a reminder of what I have desperately worked towards only to have it torn away from me. I reached out to a therapist here in town that specializes in infertility counseling. If nothing else, this break has shown me how much I need help. I have been putting off going to counseling for a long time. Always finding an excuse or convincing myself that I had things in order. I don't and I haven't for a long time. I know it has had an impact on my life as a whole but definitely on my marriage and I can't allow that any longer. My goal is to work on myself through my own resources and through going to counseling. My hope is that it puts me in a better place to start cycling again after the beginning of the year.
Monday, November 26, 2018
FET #3
Our beta was schedule for June 25th! I can't find my results for beta #1 but the second beta came back at 533. I was very excited to be pregnant but I was constantly worried something was going to happen.
On July 2nd I started bleeding while I was at work and again had another miscarriage. I was 5w1d with this pregnancy as well.
I took the week off of work and class to be with myself. I did not feel like I had the energy to be in class and pretend everything was okay. Several betas later my hcg had gone back down to 0 and I was officially no longer pregnant. I was thankful however that this miscarriage happened naturally and I did not have to have a D&C again. It sounds silly but the first D&C was really hard and I just wasn't prepared to go through it again.
Up next: Considering our next move
ER Visit 2/24
I was getting up from a nap when I felt a whoosh between my legs. I knew immediately something was wrong because it is the same kind of feeling I get when my period starts. I went to the bathroom and discovered some blood. I immediately called my nurse. While I know spotting can be normal in early pregnancy I still wanted to call and get her opinion. After listening to me describe the incident and the amount of blood she told me it did not sound like anything to worry about. I also asked my Ladies in my infertility FB group that I am active in to see what they had to say. Most seemed to say the same thing because it seemed minor but a couple told me if I felt like I needed to go to the ER to do so. They also mentioned they probably would not be able to do a lot for me due to the fact that I was so early in my pregnancy but if I felt I needed to go, then I should. My nurse also told me this. At first I was fine. I decided I would just try to relax and and decided to lay back down. When I woke back up this happened again except this time it was worse. I text John and he immediately came home and took me to the emergency room.
I was in the emergency room for almost 8 hours. I got seem almost immediately and everyone very nice and considerate of what I was potentially going through. One of the first things they did was run some labs including a beta to see where it was at. My beta in the ER came back at 5682 which gave us a little bit of hope that this could just be a normal bleed. We left the ER that night was a small amount of hope but no real answers. We were told it could be a number of things but because I was so early they could not see anything on the ultrasound so we would have to rely on beta numbers for now. I was instructed to go get a new beta drawn on Monday. That beta came back at 1600 which means I was having a miscarriage. I personally believe I fully passed most of the tissue when I was at the ER but did not know what it was at the time.
I lost my pregnancy at 5w1d on February 24th.
My betas for this cycle were:
2/15: 146
2/20: 1180
2/24: 5682
2/26: 1600
2/27: 544
Because I was having a miscarriage after the 27th I had weekly beta draws to ensure it went back down to 0. It steadily decreased until it randomly started going back up. This was a nightmare because in my mind I was wondering if maybe one embryo had passed but the other was holding on. While my RE said this was highly highly unlikely I still held onto that chance. Ultimately my my beta stabilized and barely budged so my RE recommended having a D&C done to go in and remove the remaining tissue that was preventing my beta from going down. My 8 week ultrasound should have been on April 3rd, my birthday. My D&C for my miscarriage was on April 4th. My RE mentioned she did find tissue that had not passed and she believed that was why my beta would not go down to 0. About 2 weeks after my D&C my beta was down to 0 which meant my D&C was successful and we could move on.
Up next: FET #3
I was in the emergency room for almost 8 hours. I got seem almost immediately and everyone very nice and considerate of what I was potentially going through. One of the first things they did was run some labs including a beta to see where it was at. My beta in the ER came back at 5682 which gave us a little bit of hope that this could just be a normal bleed. We left the ER that night was a small amount of hope but no real answers. We were told it could be a number of things but because I was so early they could not see anything on the ultrasound so we would have to rely on beta numbers for now. I was instructed to go get a new beta drawn on Monday. That beta came back at 1600 which means I was having a miscarriage. I personally believe I fully passed most of the tissue when I was at the ER but did not know what it was at the time.
I lost my pregnancy at 5w1d on February 24th.
My betas for this cycle were:
2/15: 146
2/20: 1180
2/24: 5682
2/26: 1600
2/27: 544
Because I was having a miscarriage after the 27th I had weekly beta draws to ensure it went back down to 0. It steadily decreased until it randomly started going back up. This was a nightmare because in my mind I was wondering if maybe one embryo had passed but the other was holding on. While my RE said this was highly highly unlikely I still held onto that chance. Ultimately my my beta stabilized and barely budged so my RE recommended having a D&C done to go in and remove the remaining tissue that was preventing my beta from going down. My 8 week ultrasound should have been on April 3rd, my birthday. My D&C for my miscarriage was on April 4th. My RE mentioned she did find tissue that had not passed and she believed that was why my beta would not go down to 0. About 2 weeks after my D&C my beta was down to 0 which meant my D&C was successful and we could move on.
Up next: FET #3
Betas!
A beta is the blood test that determines whether or not a woman is pregnant. There are 2 different beta tests - qualitative and quantitative. The qualitative is a yes/no kind of test; where as the quantitative gives an actual number. For woman doing infertility treatments their clinics often request the quantitative because they want to make sure the levels are adequately rising. If it isn't it could be an indicator of potential miscarriage.
Out first beta for this cycle on February 15th and it came back at a 146! Which is awesome because it meant we are pregnant! Our second beta was on February 20th and came back at 1180. We transferred 2 beautiful embryos on February 7th which means our estimated due date (EDD) for a single baby would be October 26th or if we wind up with twins would be October 5th.
Our first ultrasound should be in about 2 weeks which would put me right around 6 1/2 weeks.
Up next: ER Visit 2/24
Out first beta for this cycle on February 15th and it came back at a 146! Which is awesome because it meant we are pregnant! Our second beta was on February 20th and came back at 1180. We transferred 2 beautiful embryos on February 7th which means our estimated due date (EDD) for a single baby would be October 26th or if we wind up with twins would be October 5th.
Our first ultrasound should be in about 2 weeks which would put me right around 6 1/2 weeks.
Up next: ER Visit 2/24
Monday, February 19, 2018
Instagram and our Cycle
With our IVF and even first FET we kept everything pretty hush hush. This was mainly because I didn't want the pressure of having to keep everyone up to date on what was going on and the results. I really just wanted to privacy. I wasn't really sure what to expect with IVF and the stories I had read from other Ladies varied greatly. So I didn't want to get in over my head. Everyone who did know has been super supportive and is really great about waiting for us to give them information but I just didn't want the added stress even if minimal.
Somewhere along the way in our second FET I decided to start sharing on Instagram. It still kept almost everyone in the dark. I don't use instagram a lot and most people who follow me are friends not family (although there is some family). So I didn't feel like it was that big of a deal to share there. Plus, with instagram and using hashtags I felt like it would bring some kind of light to others as to part of the process. I wound up having others follow me who had either been through the process and even some professionals. It was actually really nice to have that kind of extra support I didn't have before. It was also nice to see the comments from friends and family along the way as I was sharing. I honestly think doing this helped my positivity and hope through the process due to the extra support. At first I was of course nervous but in the end I am very glad that I chose to share at least some of the journey on social media.
Up Next: Beta Day!!
Somewhere along the way in our second FET I decided to start sharing on Instagram. It still kept almost everyone in the dark. I don't use instagram a lot and most people who follow me are friends not family (although there is some family). So I didn't feel like it was that big of a deal to share there. Plus, with instagram and using hashtags I felt like it would bring some kind of light to others as to part of the process. I wound up having others follow me who had either been through the process and even some professionals. It was actually really nice to have that kind of extra support I didn't have before. It was also nice to see the comments from friends and family along the way as I was sharing. I honestly think doing this helped my positivity and hope through the process due to the extra support. At first I was of course nervous but in the end I am very glad that I chose to share at least some of the journey on social media.
Up Next: Beta Day!!
Sunday, February 18, 2018
February FET - #2
For FET #2 I feel like I was a lot more relaxed. I was excited but I was not as excited as I had been with our first FET. Maybe, it was a fear of getting too excited and hopeful. Maybe, it was just a more relaxed approach. It was honestly a mix of both. I was excited to be starting again but I was nervous it would not turn out like the first one. I was also worried things were so perfect the first time how could they be as good the second time. I had a lot of emotions going around.
At my baseline ultrasound my lining was around a 3ish which was lower than the first round. I had a longer cycle even past my baseline so I was worried I was losing even more lining after this appointment. So when I went to my prelining check I had already come to terms that it was going to be too thin to transfer at that time. Which is fine because my RE schedules 2 different lining checks. If you're ready at the first check you don't have to go to the second and if you're not then you do. So it really wouldn't have been a serious issue if my lining wasn't ready because I had another appointment. However, at my prelining my lining was 10ish so thicker than the cycle before and my RE specifically said this time that it was triple striped which is what they look for. I was pleasantly surprised by this and beyond excited. So we were ready to transfer our two beautiful embryos on Feb. 7th.
The day came and we made our way to St. Louis for the transfer and the air was mixed with excitement and anxiety. I was trying not to be too hopeful but I felt good about this cycle. We had the hysteroscopy acting as an endo scratch which helped out odds and we were transferring 2 embryos instead of 1. I just felt like we were throwing so much at this cycle it had to be better than the last. Transfer was little more uneventful this round. I took my Valium and we waited for them to come get us. There were no jokes this time, just business. We watched together again as the flash came on the ultrasound screen as they transferred our embryos. Then the long wait began until our beta for this cycle. John and I have always had a white board somewhere in our home as long as we've been dating that we would use to write sweet messages to each other on. We felt it was appropriate to write a sweet message to our embryos during the two week wait.
Up Next: Instagram and our Cycle
At my baseline ultrasound my lining was around a 3ish which was lower than the first round. I had a longer cycle even past my baseline so I was worried I was losing even more lining after this appointment. So when I went to my prelining check I had already come to terms that it was going to be too thin to transfer at that time. Which is fine because my RE schedules 2 different lining checks. If you're ready at the first check you don't have to go to the second and if you're not then you do. So it really wouldn't have been a serious issue if my lining wasn't ready because I had another appointment. However, at my prelining my lining was 10ish so thicker than the cycle before and my RE specifically said this time that it was triple striped which is what they look for. I was pleasantly surprised by this and beyond excited. So we were ready to transfer our two beautiful embryos on Feb. 7th.
The day came and we made our way to St. Louis for the transfer and the air was mixed with excitement and anxiety. I was trying not to be too hopeful but I felt good about this cycle. We had the hysteroscopy acting as an endo scratch which helped out odds and we were transferring 2 embryos instead of 1. I just felt like we were throwing so much at this cycle it had to be better than the last. Transfer was little more uneventful this round. I took my Valium and we waited for them to come get us. There were no jokes this time, just business. We watched together again as the flash came on the ultrasound screen as they transferred our embryos. Then the long wait began until our beta for this cycle. John and I have always had a white board somewhere in our home as long as we've been dating that we would use to write sweet messages to each other on. We felt it was appropriate to write a sweet message to our embryos during the two week wait.
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| Our embryos we transferred Feb. 7th |
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| Our message to our embryos |
Up Next: Instagram and our Cycle
Preparing for FET #2
We knew we wanted to cycle right away since the FET it pretty simple. We wouldn't make it in time to cycle in December due to when our FET ended so we were scheduled to cycle again in January. We had a consultation with our RE to discuss our failed cycle. We talked about what could have gone wrong, if we needed to change anything, how we were feeling about the results, and so on. Our RE basically said she believed it basically came down to statistics. She put it quite more polite than that but that's the jist of it. Basically everything was perfect and looked like it needed to going into transfer and our transfer was a breeze and very smooth. However that doesn't guarantee success. She said since we didn't have out embryos PGS/PGD tested it could have been an abnormal embryo as well. We agreed because of everything we wanted to stick with the same protocol we had used. It obviously worked very well for us so we didn't want to deviate from it. Why change it if it isn't broken?
After our consultation we did my Saline ultrasound which is where a saline solution is pushed into the uterus to look for issues. During this my RE found a polyp in my uterus and informed me this would need to be removed before we could transfer. Due to the timing this would push our second FET back another month and into February. However, it was best to proceed with removing the polyp because it can hinder the success of a cycle.
On Jan. 3rd I had a hysteroscopy to remove the polyp my RE saw at the saline and she cleared out some other areas that looked like they could have become polyps had they not been addressed. The procedure went really smooth. My RE was able to get everything and said this acts as an endo scratch which can aid with implantation of our next FET. So while it did push our transfer back a month it turned out to help us a little as well. Recovery was really easy. No pain meds were needed not even over the counter ones. As soon as I stopped my birth control and started my new cycle I could start my medication protocol for FET #2.
Up Next: February FET - #2
After our consultation we did my Saline ultrasound which is where a saline solution is pushed into the uterus to look for issues. During this my RE found a polyp in my uterus and informed me this would need to be removed before we could transfer. Due to the timing this would push our second FET back another month and into February. However, it was best to proceed with removing the polyp because it can hinder the success of a cycle.
On Jan. 3rd I had a hysteroscopy to remove the polyp my RE saw at the saline and she cleared out some other areas that looked like they could have become polyps had they not been addressed. The procedure went really smooth. My RE was able to get everything and said this acts as an endo scratch which can aid with implantation of our next FET. So while it did push our transfer back a month it turned out to help us a little as well. Recovery was really easy. No pain meds were needed not even over the counter ones. As soon as I stopped my birth control and started my new cycle I could start my medication protocol for FET #2.
Up Next: February FET - #2
Saturday, February 17, 2018
Negative Beta and the Fallout
To say I was devastated is an understatement. Leading up to transfer John kept telling me he was preparing for potentially having to do more than on FET. It does of course come down to a lot of factors as to whether or not a cycle is successful. I wouldn't have it. Everything had been so perfect leading up to transfer and our embryo was gorgeous. I just knew it was going to work.
I was sitting on the couch when I got the call. John had briefly gone upstairs and my Nurse gave me the news "I'm sorry, but your beta came back below 5 and is negative". She was so sweet and sincere and you could tell she hates making these bad news calls. I instantly started crying but reigned it in quickly because I knew John would be back soon. Once he came back to sit on the couch with me I broke the news to him and I could tell he was just as upset even though he doesn't show it like I do. I had considered not telling him until he got home from work because I knew in just a few minutes he was going to have to get ready and go. I didn't want to ruin his whole night but I felt like he deserved to know right then. And I knew if the roles were reversed I would want him to tell me right away. So I did.
I was heartbroken. I felt like everything just crumbled before I my eyes. I laid around as much as I could and I just kind of stopped existing. Of course I still had to go to work but working part time without contact with anyone made that pretty easy. I couldn't believe this had happened. I had put everything into this cycle. Everything. The emotions would randomly hit me. I could walk past the baby section somewhere and cry. I could see a commercial that was family based or kid based and cry. I could hear a song with one relevant lyric and cry. Sometimes there was nothing to provoke me the emotions of all of it in general would just get me. I threw a pretty long pity party before I got focused and decided I needed to pick myself up and start preparing for what was to come next.
Up Next: Preparing for FET #2
I was sitting on the couch when I got the call. John had briefly gone upstairs and my Nurse gave me the news "I'm sorry, but your beta came back below 5 and is negative". She was so sweet and sincere and you could tell she hates making these bad news calls. I instantly started crying but reigned it in quickly because I knew John would be back soon. Once he came back to sit on the couch with me I broke the news to him and I could tell he was just as upset even though he doesn't show it like I do. I had considered not telling him until he got home from work because I knew in just a few minutes he was going to have to get ready and go. I didn't want to ruin his whole night but I felt like he deserved to know right then. And I knew if the roles were reversed I would want him to tell me right away. So I did.
I was heartbroken. I felt like everything just crumbled before I my eyes. I laid around as much as I could and I just kind of stopped existing. Of course I still had to go to work but working part time without contact with anyone made that pretty easy. I couldn't believe this had happened. I had put everything into this cycle. Everything. The emotions would randomly hit me. I could walk past the baby section somewhere and cry. I could see a commercial that was family based or kid based and cry. I could hear a song with one relevant lyric and cry. Sometimes there was nothing to provoke me the emotions of all of it in general would just get me. I threw a pretty long pity party before I got focused and decided I needed to pick myself up and start preparing for what was to come next.
Up Next: Preparing for FET #2
Friday, February 16, 2018
Our November FET
Once my cycle started after our IVF I was able to start preparing for our frozen embryo transfer (FET) in November. The process for this is much easier on the body than IVF is. I was thankful for less injections in the FET process. While I was proud of myself for being able to overcome my fear enough to do my injections that doesn't mean I wanted to do very many. Most of my medications were oral meds with one daily injection in the morning. Piece of cake compared to the three injections a day I was on with IVF. The process was also less taxing on my body in general. I felt better physically through the entire cycle.
Going into this cycle I had a lot of hope. This was it. This cycle would end with an embryo transfer and potentially a pregnant. This is what we had been working toward for almost six years. I was excited to get started. I was excited to go through the FET process. Things for our cycle went perfectly. At baseline my lining was around 4mm and my RE looks for it to be under 5. We started out on a great track. At my prelining ultrasound, the first ultrasound to check the uterine lining, my lining was at a 9.4 and my RE looks for it to be above a 9 for transfer. We were beyond excited. Things were going so smoothly. We weren't struggling to get the results we needed which only made the process that much easier. With my lining being where it needed to be we were set to transfer on Nov. 13th. After much discussion with our amazing Dr we decided we would only transfer one embryo. She recommended this due to my age and some concerns I had with the scar tissue in my abdomen. While we wanted to transfer two going into the process at the start we trust our RE a lot and went with her recommendation with the understanding that if it wasn't successful we would transfer two the next round.
Transfer day finally came! I felt like the week leading up to this day dragged slower and slower with each new day. At transfer they gave me Valium to relax everything so there is no cramping during the procedure. It made me chatty and giggly which was hilarious. We told jokes during the procedure, seriously my RE is the coolest. The transfer is very orderly. The call your name to the embryologist to let them know you're ready, the come in with the embryos and have you confirm your info, and then they transfer them through a catheter. It is very controlled and obviously for good reason. You get to watch the whole thing on an ultrasound screen and it's an amazing experience. John held my hand while they transferred our beautiful embryo. When they transfer the embryo(s) there is a flash on the ultrasound so you can actually see it which is really awesome.
Then came the hard part - the two week wait (tww). My beta was scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving. A beta lab draw is used to measure the hcg in a woman's system to determine pregnancy. I belong to several IVF groups on Facebook for support. Many of the Ladies on there talk about how quickly they see a positive on a home pregnancy test. I initially wanted to wait to test the day before or day of beta. This way I would have an idea of the outcome and would not be testing super early. Well, I caved and started testing only four days after transfer which is pretty early. I tested all the way to beta day and they were all stark white. Going into beta I did not have a ton of hope it would work out due to my tests but knew my hcg could to be too low for the tests to register. On Nov. 22nd I found out my beta was negative.
Up Next: Negative Beta and the Fallout
Going into this cycle I had a lot of hope. This was it. This cycle would end with an embryo transfer and potentially a pregnant. This is what we had been working toward for almost six years. I was excited to get started. I was excited to go through the FET process. Things for our cycle went perfectly. At baseline my lining was around 4mm and my RE looks for it to be under 5. We started out on a great track. At my prelining ultrasound, the first ultrasound to check the uterine lining, my lining was at a 9.4 and my RE looks for it to be above a 9 for transfer. We were beyond excited. Things were going so smoothly. We weren't struggling to get the results we needed which only made the process that much easier. With my lining being where it needed to be we were set to transfer on Nov. 13th. After much discussion with our amazing Dr we decided we would only transfer one embryo. She recommended this due to my age and some concerns I had with the scar tissue in my abdomen. While we wanted to transfer two going into the process at the start we trust our RE a lot and went with her recommendation with the understanding that if it wasn't successful we would transfer two the next round.
Transfer day finally came! I felt like the week leading up to this day dragged slower and slower with each new day. At transfer they gave me Valium to relax everything so there is no cramping during the procedure. It made me chatty and giggly which was hilarious. We told jokes during the procedure, seriously my RE is the coolest. The transfer is very orderly. The call your name to the embryologist to let them know you're ready, the come in with the embryos and have you confirm your info, and then they transfer them through a catheter. It is very controlled and obviously for good reason. You get to watch the whole thing on an ultrasound screen and it's an amazing experience. John held my hand while they transferred our beautiful embryo. When they transfer the embryo(s) there is a flash on the ultrasound so you can actually see it which is really awesome.
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| Our beautiful embryo we transferred Nov. 13th |
Up Next: Negative Beta and the Fallout
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