Thanksgiving Day!!
John and I hosted Thanksgiving at our place this year. My Dad and Stepmom were out of town this year which is where we typically go (if we go anywhere). John was so excited because this was our first time hosting Thanksgiving as a married couple. We cooked a huge meal and my brothers came over. We had turkey, ham, deviled eggs, green bean casserole, and mashed potatoes; for dessert we had brownies and pistachio pudding. We ate and watched Friends - we had an amazing time! Then we played Xbox together. My Mom wasn't able to make it but we missed her. I made sure to send leftovers home with the boys so she could at least enjoy the delicious food!
Things I am thankful for:
My Husband, John - he has been so amazing this year (well in general). We have been through a lot this year - some highs and some lows. No matter what he is there for me and takes care of me. He is so patient and loving with me. I know our infertility journey has been hard on him but he really has been so strong for me throughout this. I can't wait until we have our little miracle family because I know he will make a wonderful Father to our children.
My Family - They are amazing and I wouldn't be who I am today without them. They keep me crazy and sane at the same time if that is even possible. They are a crazy bunch but I they are amazing nonetheless.They have supported me and loved me through my rough times. I hope they know how much I love them and how much they mean to me.
As for an update on our infertility journey. We have an appointment with an RE on Dec. 16th. We are going to talk to them about Femara. It is like Clomid but some women respond to one and not the other. I am hoping that if my doctor thinks it is worth trying this will be the case for us. If not then we have exhausted oral meds and will have to move on to injects. I am super nervous and stressed about this. However I know no matter what we have to do to have our little family it will all be worth it. If we do move on to injects we will have to decide on whether we want to try IUI or jump straight to IVF. I think John is leaning toward IVF because while it is more expensive it does have better success rates than IUI. I'm not sure where I am with it honestly. Ideally I would want to do IVF rather than trying IUI but I'm just not sure. The whole thing stresses me out. Right now I am just trying to take this one day at a time and not stress too much.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Follie Check
Today at 2:50pm we had our follie check to see the progress of what had happened due to us being on Metformin + Dexamethasone + Clomid this cycle.
Guess what was there!!
NOTHING...
Yeah freaking nothing. No follies.
Our doctor told us we have two options. We can go on break for a couple of months and I can start taking birth control + Spironolactone to bring my testosterone levels down even more. Then in a couple of months check my levels and if they are low enough we can try the Clomid again. If we don't want to do this he recommends we go to an Reproductive Endocrinologist so we can start injectables that are stronger and will make me ovulate.
John and I had a long conversation about what we should do. John thinks we should move on to the RE and talk to them about injectables. Quite honestly I do agree. I am not looking forward to injectables but in the end I know it will be worth it. He looked into our insurance to see what it will and won't cover in regards to IUI and IVF. We are going to wait for responses to the questions we sent to our health insurance provider and then make an appointment with an RE. Come up with a new plan and decided if we want to try IUI or jump to IVF.
I was pretty devastated when we initially came home but now I am feeling better. I am still really upset about the fact that the Clomid did absolutely nothing. That right now we are just stuck in this waiting game until it is time to start a new cycle. However the fact that our insurance is actually going to cover a good deal of our expenses for IVF makes me feel better. I am feeling hopeful for the future of our journey - even if I am not excited about injectables.
Now I am going to work on focusing on losing weight and taking better care of myself. That's all I can do and try to be positive because I know that negativity will only hurt me more in the long run.
Guess what was there!!
NOTHING...
Yeah freaking nothing. No follies.
Our doctor told us we have two options. We can go on break for a couple of months and I can start taking birth control + Spironolactone to bring my testosterone levels down even more. Then in a couple of months check my levels and if they are low enough we can try the Clomid again. If we don't want to do this he recommends we go to an Reproductive Endocrinologist so we can start injectables that are stronger and will make me ovulate.
John and I had a long conversation about what we should do. John thinks we should move on to the RE and talk to them about injectables. Quite honestly I do agree. I am not looking forward to injectables but in the end I know it will be worth it. He looked into our insurance to see what it will and won't cover in regards to IUI and IVF. We are going to wait for responses to the questions we sent to our health insurance provider and then make an appointment with an RE. Come up with a new plan and decided if we want to try IUI or jump to IVF.
I was pretty devastated when we initially came home but now I am feeling better. I am still really upset about the fact that the Clomid did absolutely nothing. That right now we are just stuck in this waiting game until it is time to start a new cycle. However the fact that our insurance is actually going to cover a good deal of our expenses for IVF makes me feel better. I am feeling hopeful for the future of our journey - even if I am not excited about injectables.
Now I am going to work on focusing on losing weight and taking better care of myself. That's all I can do and try to be positive because I know that negativity will only hurt me more in the long run.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
One Day At a Time
Today was better than yesterday but still not great. I went to work and had a pretty decent day but it seemed no matter what I couldn't shake my depressed state. Somehow almost every single song had some thing that made me just want to burst into tears. I felt like I was on the verge of tears all day long. A couple times I teared up and had to take the time to come down from that ledge. I can't after all be crying at my tables.
This morning before work I called and scheduled an ultrasound for tomorrow to see if the Clomid actually worked. So tomorrow we have an appointment at 2:50pm to see if any follicles are maturing on the Clomid or if nothing is happening. If nothing is happening it will be the end of this cycle of treatment. No more waiting around until CD 30 to see what happened. If nothing is happening I am going to talk to my doctor about Femara. Femara is used for the same purpose of Clomid but sometimes women with PCOS respond better to Femara.
Based on whatever my doctor says will depend on what our next step is. We will either do one of two things probably. Either we will take a month break and I will go back onto Spironolactone to try and reduce my testosterone levels again. Or we will do another medicated cycle with Femara if I'm not responding to the Clomid.
I am trying so hard to prepare myself for tomorrow. I am hoping for good news but at the same time I am trying to remain realistic. I don't want to get my hopes up and then have them crushed tomorrow. When really I know it won't matter. I can go over all of the outcomes in my mind and have thought about them and what they mean for us but in the end it won't matter. If we get less than good news tomorrow I am going to be crushed because it will be another fail.
So really at this point I am stuck in this waiting loop that is a nightmare.
This morning before work I called and scheduled an ultrasound for tomorrow to see if the Clomid actually worked. So tomorrow we have an appointment at 2:50pm to see if any follicles are maturing on the Clomid or if nothing is happening. If nothing is happening it will be the end of this cycle of treatment. No more waiting around until CD 30 to see what happened. If nothing is happening I am going to talk to my doctor about Femara. Femara is used for the same purpose of Clomid but sometimes women with PCOS respond better to Femara.
Based on whatever my doctor says will depend on what our next step is. We will either do one of two things probably. Either we will take a month break and I will go back onto Spironolactone to try and reduce my testosterone levels again. Or we will do another medicated cycle with Femara if I'm not responding to the Clomid.
I am trying so hard to prepare myself for tomorrow. I am hoping for good news but at the same time I am trying to remain realistic. I don't want to get my hopes up and then have them crushed tomorrow. When really I know it won't matter. I can go over all of the outcomes in my mind and have thought about them and what they mean for us but in the end it won't matter. If we get less than good news tomorrow I am going to be crushed because it will be another fail.
So really at this point I am stuck in this waiting loop that is a nightmare.
Sometimes You're Going to Break Down.
So yesterday started off fine then went to not great to just a mess.
I woke up in an odd mood of sorts. I didn't feel personable just very socially distant; which is never a good way to start the morning unless I have the day off - which I didn't. I had to work all day. I got yelled at by my boss at work because I was on time...she insists we be there 15 minutes early for a pre-shift meeting even though we aren't scheduled that early. Whatever I knew I was supposed to be there early and something family came up so I was right on time - which to her means I was late. She pulled me aside and chewed me out for it in front of out brand new manager that I had never met. Thanks a lot. Number one I don't need that - especially since I am ALWAYS on time. Number two that makes me look bad when this was one time.
So on my break I'm on Facebook on my phone chatting with some girls from work about random stuff and I come across a status update from one of my best friends from Nwa announcing she is pregnant. Not only is she pregnant she is due in April so she is about half way done. She knows the gender of her baby - which is in the post. I immediately texted John who was at home. I told him the news and just said wtf.
Let me start this portion by saying this. I am very happy for her and her sister. Both are pregnant and both are very very good friends of mine. I love them like family and they have been there for me through a lot. I know both women will be amazing mothers without a doubt. Congratulations are in order for both of them. I love you both if you read this.
That being said this was not my reaction when I first read this post. I knew I was happy but all of the sudden I am trying to hold back tears sitting next to my coworkers because she has what I want so desperately. I teared up just a little bit but seemed to keep it together and tried to act normal for the rest of our conversation - even though I noticed I became more distant. Work picked up and I didn't think about it for several hours. At the end of the night I got to eat because I trained and as I am eating and everything is coming down and my mind can actually start thinking about other things besides work it starts to sink in and hit me. All of the sudden I realize I am about to freak out and I am still at work. One of the girls who I had been talking to came in and noticed I was upset. She mentioned she had noticed earlier but didn't want to say anything because the girl we were sitting with is new and doesn't know us that well. I told her I was fine and about the news I had read on FB. She gave me hug because she knows about our struggle and she just told me she was really sorry. It was very sweet and I really appreciated it.
I took some deep breaths and finished my closing work so I could come home to my wonderful Husband - who I hadn't seen all day. When I got home I was on the verge of just emotionally breaking down because I had been holding it in all day and finally I was home. Home were no one would judge me for being upset someone is pregnant and make me sound like an awful person and take it personally. Home were I can cry my makeup off in that ugly way and not care. I think I made it 5ish minutes of being home before I just hit a wall and it all came crumbling down. John noticed I was tearing up and he hugged me and just "It's going to be alright" and bam nothing but tears. I don't know how long we stood there in our bedroom but I cried and I cried. He continued to reassure me but just held me which is what I needed. When I calmed down for a moment he went back to continue fixing dinner and instructed me to get changed and go sit on the couch and relax. He is so sweet and amazing. I managed to make it out of the rest of my work clothes and just had to sit on the bed and I cried again. He came back I think two or three more times and I was still just crying.
I know I have a couple ladies that read my blog and completely understand where I am coming from and then I have others who read this blog to keep up with us and support us - and I love you all!
This announcement hit me worse than any other announcement has. I see them all the time. Someone just had their baby...someone else is having their baby...someone else just found out their pregnant; and usually while it makes me think about our situation and how much just absolutely sucks I don't dwell on it and it is relatively fine. This girl is my best friend. I know her very very well. This part is going to sound kind of bad and I don't mean it to be ugly. But she isn't married - which I am not condemning her for. My brain just goes into overdrive and freaks out because I am married. We do have room for kids and are actively trying to have kids. We have been trying for 23 months - yes we've made it to 2 years. Then from there I get upset because I wish we could just catch a break. I wish that things would just happen like they did for her with no care in the world. I wish my body worked like it was supposed too. People who haven't suffered from infertility don't truly understand the magnitude of how hard and painful this is. I go through times where I feel pretty good. I do whatever our protocol is and it's fine. Then I have days where I wake up hating this cycle we're stuck in. Hating my body for betraying me and not working like it should. Hating everything that goes with infertility. Then I start looking at the fact that most of my closer friends have kids. My younger cousins have kids and they aren't married (again not condemning). Its just I look at all of it and it is just like why not us?
Needless to say yesterday ended up being awful. Thank goodness for my amazing Husband. I came home from work and he took care of me. He cooked me dinner of exactly what I wanted. He tried to get me to relax. He's just so wonderful and he was exactly what I needed last night - understanding and patient.
I woke up in an odd mood of sorts. I didn't feel personable just very socially distant; which is never a good way to start the morning unless I have the day off - which I didn't. I had to work all day. I got yelled at by my boss at work because I was on time...she insists we be there 15 minutes early for a pre-shift meeting even though we aren't scheduled that early. Whatever I knew I was supposed to be there early and something family came up so I was right on time - which to her means I was late. She pulled me aside and chewed me out for it in front of out brand new manager that I had never met. Thanks a lot. Number one I don't need that - especially since I am ALWAYS on time. Number two that makes me look bad when this was one time.
So on my break I'm on Facebook on my phone chatting with some girls from work about random stuff and I come across a status update from one of my best friends from Nwa announcing she is pregnant. Not only is she pregnant she is due in April so she is about half way done. She knows the gender of her baby - which is in the post. I immediately texted John who was at home. I told him the news and just said wtf.
Let me start this portion by saying this. I am very happy for her and her sister. Both are pregnant and both are very very good friends of mine. I love them like family and they have been there for me through a lot. I know both women will be amazing mothers without a doubt. Congratulations are in order for both of them. I love you both if you read this.
That being said this was not my reaction when I first read this post. I knew I was happy but all of the sudden I am trying to hold back tears sitting next to my coworkers because she has what I want so desperately. I teared up just a little bit but seemed to keep it together and tried to act normal for the rest of our conversation - even though I noticed I became more distant. Work picked up and I didn't think about it for several hours. At the end of the night I got to eat because I trained and as I am eating and everything is coming down and my mind can actually start thinking about other things besides work it starts to sink in and hit me. All of the sudden I realize I am about to freak out and I am still at work. One of the girls who I had been talking to came in and noticed I was upset. She mentioned she had noticed earlier but didn't want to say anything because the girl we were sitting with is new and doesn't know us that well. I told her I was fine and about the news I had read on FB. She gave me hug because she knows about our struggle and she just told me she was really sorry. It was very sweet and I really appreciated it.
I took some deep breaths and finished my closing work so I could come home to my wonderful Husband - who I hadn't seen all day. When I got home I was on the verge of just emotionally breaking down because I had been holding it in all day and finally I was home. Home were no one would judge me for being upset someone is pregnant and make me sound like an awful person and take it personally. Home were I can cry my makeup off in that ugly way and not care. I think I made it 5ish minutes of being home before I just hit a wall and it all came crumbling down. John noticed I was tearing up and he hugged me and just "It's going to be alright" and bam nothing but tears. I don't know how long we stood there in our bedroom but I cried and I cried. He continued to reassure me but just held me which is what I needed. When I calmed down for a moment he went back to continue fixing dinner and instructed me to get changed and go sit on the couch and relax. He is so sweet and amazing. I managed to make it out of the rest of my work clothes and just had to sit on the bed and I cried again. He came back I think two or three more times and I was still just crying.
I know I have a couple ladies that read my blog and completely understand where I am coming from and then I have others who read this blog to keep up with us and support us - and I love you all!
This announcement hit me worse than any other announcement has. I see them all the time. Someone just had their baby...someone else is having their baby...someone else just found out their pregnant; and usually while it makes me think about our situation and how much just absolutely sucks I don't dwell on it and it is relatively fine. This girl is my best friend. I know her very very well. This part is going to sound kind of bad and I don't mean it to be ugly. But she isn't married - which I am not condemning her for. My brain just goes into overdrive and freaks out because I am married. We do have room for kids and are actively trying to have kids. We have been trying for 23 months - yes we've made it to 2 years. Then from there I get upset because I wish we could just catch a break. I wish that things would just happen like they did for her with no care in the world. I wish my body worked like it was supposed too. People who haven't suffered from infertility don't truly understand the magnitude of how hard and painful this is. I go through times where I feel pretty good. I do whatever our protocol is and it's fine. Then I have days where I wake up hating this cycle we're stuck in. Hating my body for betraying me and not working like it should. Hating everything that goes with infertility. Then I start looking at the fact that most of my closer friends have kids. My younger cousins have kids and they aren't married (again not condemning). Its just I look at all of it and it is just like why not us?
Needless to say yesterday ended up being awful. Thank goodness for my amazing Husband. I came home from work and he took care of me. He cooked me dinner of exactly what I wanted. He tried to get me to relax. He's just so wonderful and he was exactly what I needed last night - understanding and patient.
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