Sometimes You're Going to Break Down.

So yesterday started off fine then went to not great to just a mess.

I woke up in an odd mood of sorts. I didn't feel personable just very socially distant; which is never a good way to start the morning unless I have the day off - which I didn't. I had to work all day. I got yelled at by my boss at work because I was on time...she insists we be there 15 minutes early for a pre-shift meeting even though we aren't scheduled that early. Whatever I knew I was supposed to be there early and something family came up so I was right on time - which to her means I was late. She pulled me aside and chewed me out for it in front of out brand new manager that I had never met. Thanks a lot. Number one I don't need that - especially since I am ALWAYS on time. Number two that makes me look bad when this was one time.

So on my break I'm on Facebook on my phone chatting with some girls from work about random stuff and I come across a status update from one of my best friends from Nwa announcing she is pregnant. Not only is she pregnant she is due in April so she is about half way done. She knows the gender of her baby - which is in the post. I immediately texted John who was at home. I told him the news and just said wtf.

Let me start this portion by saying this. I am very happy for her and her sister. Both are pregnant and both are very very good friends of mine. I love them like family and they have been there for me through a lot. I know both women will be amazing mothers without a doubt. Congratulations are in order for both of them. I love you both if you read this.

That being said this was not my reaction when I first read this post. I knew I was happy but all of the sudden I am trying to hold back tears sitting next to my coworkers because she has what I want so desperately. I teared up just a little bit but seemed to keep it together and tried to act normal for the rest of our conversation - even though I noticed I became more distant. Work picked up and I didn't think about it for several hours. At the end of the night I got to eat because I trained and as I am eating and everything is coming down and my mind can actually start thinking about other things besides work it starts to sink in and hit me. All of the sudden I realize I am about to freak out and I am still at work. One of the girls who I had been talking to came in and noticed I was upset. She mentioned she had noticed earlier but didn't want to say anything because the girl we were sitting with is new and doesn't know us that well. I told her I was fine and about the news I had read on FB. She gave me hug because she knows about our struggle and she just told me she was really sorry. It was very sweet and I really appreciated it.

I took some deep breaths and finished my closing work so I could come home to my wonderful Husband - who I hadn't seen all day. When I got home I was on the verge of just emotionally breaking down because I had been holding it in all day and finally I was home. Home were no one would judge me for being upset someone is pregnant and make me sound like an awful person and take it personally. Home were I can cry my makeup off in that ugly way and not care. I think I made it 5ish minutes of being home before I just hit a wall and it all came crumbling down. John noticed I was tearing up and he hugged me and just "It's going to be alright" and bam nothing but tears. I don't know how long we stood there in our bedroom but I cried and I cried. He continued to reassure me but just held me which is what I needed. When I calmed down for a moment he went back to continue fixing dinner and instructed me to get changed and go sit on the couch and relax. He is so sweet and amazing. I managed to make it out of the rest of my work clothes and just had to sit on the bed and I cried again. He came back I think two or three more times and I was still just crying.

I know I have a couple ladies that read my blog and completely understand where I am coming from and then I have others who read this blog to keep up with us and support us - and I love you all!

This announcement hit me worse than any other announcement has. I see them all the time. Someone just had their baby...someone else is having their baby...someone else just found out their pregnant; and usually while it makes me think about our situation and how much just absolutely sucks I don't dwell on it and it is relatively fine. This girl is my best friend. I know her very very well. This part is going to sound kind of bad and I don't mean it to be ugly. But she isn't married - which I am not condemning her for. My brain just goes into overdrive and freaks out because I am married. We do have room for kids and are actively trying to have kids. We have been trying for 23 months - yes we've made it to 2 years. Then from there I get upset because I wish we could just catch a break. I wish that things would just happen like they did for her with no care in the world. I wish my body worked like it was supposed too. People who haven't suffered from infertility don't truly understand the magnitude of how hard and painful this is. I go through times where I feel pretty good. I do whatever our protocol is and it's fine. Then I  have days where I wake up hating this cycle we're stuck in. Hating my body for betraying me and not working like it should. Hating everything that goes with infertility. Then I start looking at the fact that most of my closer friends have kids. My younger cousins have kids and they aren't married (again not condemning). Its just I look at all of it and it is just like why not us?

Needless to say yesterday ended up being awful. Thank goodness for my amazing Husband. I came home from work and he took care of me. He cooked me dinner of exactly what I wanted. He tried to get me to relax. He's just so wonderful and he was exactly what I needed last night - understanding and patient.