One Day At a Time

Today was better than yesterday but still not great. I went to work and had a pretty decent day but it seemed no matter what I couldn't shake my depressed state. Somehow almost every single song had some thing that made me just want to burst into tears. I felt like I was on the verge of tears all day long. A couple times I teared up and had to take the time to come down from that ledge. I can't after all be crying at my tables.

This morning before work I called and scheduled an ultrasound for tomorrow to see if the Clomid actually worked. So tomorrow we have an appointment at 2:50pm to see if any follicles are maturing on the Clomid or if nothing is happening. If nothing is happening it will be the end of this cycle of treatment. No more waiting around until CD 30 to see what happened. If nothing is happening I am going to talk to my doctor about Femara. Femara is used for the same purpose of Clomid but sometimes women with PCOS respond better to Femara.

Based on whatever my doctor says will depend on what our next step is. We will either do one of two things probably. Either we will take a month break and I will go back onto Spironolactone to try and reduce my testosterone levels again. Or we will do another medicated cycle with Femara if I'm not responding to the Clomid.

I am trying so hard to prepare myself for tomorrow. I am hoping for good news but at the same time I am trying to remain realistic. I don't want to get my hopes up and then have them crushed tomorrow. When really I know it won't matter. I can go over all of the outcomes in my mind and have thought about them and what they mean for us but in the end it won't matter. If we get less than good news tomorrow I am going to be crushed because it will be another fail.

So really at this point I am stuck in this waiting loop that is a nightmare.