Considering our next move

After talking with my RE about both of my miscarriages she recommended we take a break from cycling and do an ERA test; ERA stands for endometrial receptivity analysis. Basically we would cut down my medications to just a few and instead of transferring an embryo my RE would take a biopsy of my uterine lining and have it tested. The test would determine if we are transferring our embryos at the right time or if it needs to be adjusted.

We attempted to do this with 2 different cycles and my body simply would not cooperate. We had to cancel both cycles and plan to do another. With the second cycle I finally just got tired of it. We have been cycling on and off with my RE now for almost 2 years which is not really a long time but that's also only 2 years of the 7 we have been trying now. Even when we were not in the middle of a cycle it still consumed our lives. Are we doing enough? Should we be doing more? Should we go more natural? Are we saving enough? Have we tried everything we can? Should we be asking more questions? There is so much that you worry about that your downtime doesn't even seem like downtime.

So with the second ERA cycle I finally was just done. I talked to John about what I wanted to do and once we had come to our own decision, I emailed my nurse and let her know I was done. I was ending the cycle and stopping my medication because I needed a break. I sent this email on Oct. 9th, 2018. At first, I wasn't sure I was making the right decision but the longer I have thought about it. Thought about where I am mentally and emotionally, I know I made the right decision for me; no matter how hard it was to make. We chose to take the remainder of the year off from cycling. Absolutely nothing to do with cycling. We know we want to pick back up either in January or February but other than that we haven't done a thing. In this time, I have realized how much I needed this.

Based on my initial FET in February 2018 I should be a Mother by now. I should be holding a child and loving them unconditionally. But that's not what happened. Instead I have a tub of baby stuff I have collected that haunts me. Almost laughs at me mockingly every time I see it. It serves as a reminder of what I have desperately worked towards only to have it torn away from me. I reached out to a therapist here in town that specializes in infertility counseling. If nothing else, this break has shown me how much I need help. I have been putting off going to counseling for a long time. Always finding an excuse or convincing myself that I had things in order. I don't and I haven't for a long time. I know it has had an impact on my life as a whole but definitely on my marriage and I can't allow that any longer. My goal is to work on myself through my own resources and through going to counseling. My hope is that it puts me in a better place to start cycling again after the beginning of the year.