Negative Beta and the Fallout

To say I was devastated is an understatement. Leading up to transfer John kept telling me he was preparing for potentially having to do more than on FET. It does of course come down to a lot of factors as to whether or not a cycle is successful. I wouldn't have it. Everything had been so perfect leading up to transfer and our embryo was gorgeous. I just knew it was going to work.

I was sitting on the couch when I got the call. John had briefly gone upstairs and my Nurse gave me the news "I'm sorry, but your beta came back below 5 and is negative". She was so sweet and sincere and you could tell she hates making these bad news calls. I instantly started crying but reigned it in quickly because I knew John would be back soon. Once he came back to sit on the couch with me I broke the news to him and I could tell he was just as upset even though he doesn't show it like I do. I had considered not telling him until he got home from work because I knew in just a few minutes he was going to have to get ready and go. I didn't want to ruin his whole night but I felt like he deserved to know right then. And I knew if the roles were reversed I would want him to tell me right away. So I did.

I was heartbroken. I felt like everything just crumbled before I my eyes.  I laid around as much as I could and I just kind of stopped existing. Of course I still had to go to work but working part time without contact with anyone made that pretty easy. I couldn't believe this had happened. I had put everything into this cycle. Everything. The emotions would randomly hit me. I could walk past the baby section somewhere and cry. I could see a commercial that was family based or kid based and cry. I could hear a song with one relevant lyric and cry. Sometimes there was nothing to provoke me the emotions of all of it in general would just get me. I threw a pretty long pity party before I got focused and decided I needed to pick myself up and start preparing for what was to come next.

Up Next: Preparing for FET #2