After talking with my RE about both of my miscarriages she recommended we take a break from cycling and do an ERA test; ERA stands for endometrial receptivity analysis. Basically we would cut down my medications to just a few and instead of transferring an embryo my RE would take a biopsy of my uterine lining and have it tested. The test would determine if we are transferring our embryos at the right time or if it needs to be adjusted.
We attempted to do this with 2 different cycles and my body simply would not cooperate. We had to cancel both cycles and plan to do another. With the second cycle I finally just got tired of it. We have been cycling on and off with my RE now for almost 2 years which is not really a long time but that's also only 2 years of the 7 we have been trying now. Even when we were not in the middle of a cycle it still consumed our lives. Are we doing enough? Should we be doing more? Should we go more natural? Are we saving enough? Have we tried everything we can? Should we be asking more questions? There is so much that you worry about that your downtime doesn't even seem like downtime.
So with the second ERA cycle I finally was just done. I talked to John about what I wanted to do and once we had come to our own decision, I emailed my nurse and let her know I was done. I was ending the cycle and stopping my medication because I needed a break. I sent this email on Oct. 9th, 2018. At first, I wasn't sure I was making the right decision but the longer I have thought about it. Thought about where I am mentally and emotionally, I know I made the right decision for me; no matter how hard it was to make. We chose to take the remainder of the year off from cycling. Absolutely nothing to do with cycling. We know we want to pick back up either in January or February but other than that we haven't done a thing. In this time, I have realized how much I needed this.
Based on my initial FET in February 2018 I should be a Mother by now. I should be holding a child and loving them unconditionally. But that's not what happened. Instead I have a tub of baby stuff I have collected that haunts me. Almost laughs at me mockingly every time I see it. It serves as a reminder of what I have desperately worked towards only to have it torn away from me. I reached out to a therapist here in town that specializes in infertility counseling. If nothing else, this break has shown me how much I need help. I have been putting off going to counseling for a long time. Always finding an excuse or convincing myself that I had things in order. I don't and I haven't for a long time. I know it has had an impact on my life as a whole but definitely on my marriage and I can't allow that any longer. My goal is to work on myself through my own resources and through going to counseling. My hope is that it puts me in a better place to start cycling again after the beginning of the year.
Monday, November 26, 2018
FET #3
Our beta was schedule for June 25th! I can't find my results for beta #1 but the second beta came back at 533. I was very excited to be pregnant but I was constantly worried something was going to happen.
On July 2nd I started bleeding while I was at work and again had another miscarriage. I was 5w1d with this pregnancy as well.
I took the week off of work and class to be with myself. I did not feel like I had the energy to be in class and pretend everything was okay. Several betas later my hcg had gone back down to 0 and I was officially no longer pregnant. I was thankful however that this miscarriage happened naturally and I did not have to have a D&C again. It sounds silly but the first D&C was really hard and I just wasn't prepared to go through it again.
Up next: Considering our next move
ER Visit 2/24
I was getting up from a nap when I felt a whoosh between my legs. I knew immediately something was wrong because it is the same kind of feeling I get when my period starts. I went to the bathroom and discovered some blood. I immediately called my nurse. While I know spotting can be normal in early pregnancy I still wanted to call and get her opinion. After listening to me describe the incident and the amount of blood she told me it did not sound like anything to worry about. I also asked my Ladies in my infertility FB group that I am active in to see what they had to say. Most seemed to say the same thing because it seemed minor but a couple told me if I felt like I needed to go to the ER to do so. They also mentioned they probably would not be able to do a lot for me due to the fact that I was so early in my pregnancy but if I felt I needed to go, then I should. My nurse also told me this. At first I was fine. I decided I would just try to relax and and decided to lay back down. When I woke back up this happened again except this time it was worse. I text John and he immediately came home and took me to the emergency room.
I was in the emergency room for almost 8 hours. I got seem almost immediately and everyone very nice and considerate of what I was potentially going through. One of the first things they did was run some labs including a beta to see where it was at. My beta in the ER came back at 5682 which gave us a little bit of hope that this could just be a normal bleed. We left the ER that night was a small amount of hope but no real answers. We were told it could be a number of things but because I was so early they could not see anything on the ultrasound so we would have to rely on beta numbers for now. I was instructed to go get a new beta drawn on Monday. That beta came back at 1600 which means I was having a miscarriage. I personally believe I fully passed most of the tissue when I was at the ER but did not know what it was at the time.
I lost my pregnancy at 5w1d on February 24th.
My betas for this cycle were:
2/15: 146
2/20: 1180
2/24: 5682
2/26: 1600
2/27: 544
Because I was having a miscarriage after the 27th I had weekly beta draws to ensure it went back down to 0. It steadily decreased until it randomly started going back up. This was a nightmare because in my mind I was wondering if maybe one embryo had passed but the other was holding on. While my RE said this was highly highly unlikely I still held onto that chance. Ultimately my my beta stabilized and barely budged so my RE recommended having a D&C done to go in and remove the remaining tissue that was preventing my beta from going down. My 8 week ultrasound should have been on April 3rd, my birthday. My D&C for my miscarriage was on April 4th. My RE mentioned she did find tissue that had not passed and she believed that was why my beta would not go down to 0. About 2 weeks after my D&C my beta was down to 0 which meant my D&C was successful and we could move on.
Up next: FET #3
I was in the emergency room for almost 8 hours. I got seem almost immediately and everyone very nice and considerate of what I was potentially going through. One of the first things they did was run some labs including a beta to see where it was at. My beta in the ER came back at 5682 which gave us a little bit of hope that this could just be a normal bleed. We left the ER that night was a small amount of hope but no real answers. We were told it could be a number of things but because I was so early they could not see anything on the ultrasound so we would have to rely on beta numbers for now. I was instructed to go get a new beta drawn on Monday. That beta came back at 1600 which means I was having a miscarriage. I personally believe I fully passed most of the tissue when I was at the ER but did not know what it was at the time.
I lost my pregnancy at 5w1d on February 24th.
My betas for this cycle were:
2/15: 146
2/20: 1180
2/24: 5682
2/26: 1600
2/27: 544
Because I was having a miscarriage after the 27th I had weekly beta draws to ensure it went back down to 0. It steadily decreased until it randomly started going back up. This was a nightmare because in my mind I was wondering if maybe one embryo had passed but the other was holding on. While my RE said this was highly highly unlikely I still held onto that chance. Ultimately my my beta stabilized and barely budged so my RE recommended having a D&C done to go in and remove the remaining tissue that was preventing my beta from going down. My 8 week ultrasound should have been on April 3rd, my birthday. My D&C for my miscarriage was on April 4th. My RE mentioned she did find tissue that had not passed and she believed that was why my beta would not go down to 0. About 2 weeks after my D&C my beta was down to 0 which meant my D&C was successful and we could move on.
Up next: FET #3
Betas!
A beta is the blood test that determines whether or not a woman is pregnant. There are 2 different beta tests - qualitative and quantitative. The qualitative is a yes/no kind of test; where as the quantitative gives an actual number. For woman doing infertility treatments their clinics often request the quantitative because they want to make sure the levels are adequately rising. If it isn't it could be an indicator of potential miscarriage.
Out first beta for this cycle on February 15th and it came back at a 146! Which is awesome because it meant we are pregnant! Our second beta was on February 20th and came back at 1180. We transferred 2 beautiful embryos on February 7th which means our estimated due date (EDD) for a single baby would be October 26th or if we wind up with twins would be October 5th.
Our first ultrasound should be in about 2 weeks which would put me right around 6 1/2 weeks.
Up next: ER Visit 2/24
Out first beta for this cycle on February 15th and it came back at a 146! Which is awesome because it meant we are pregnant! Our second beta was on February 20th and came back at 1180. We transferred 2 beautiful embryos on February 7th which means our estimated due date (EDD) for a single baby would be October 26th or if we wind up with twins would be October 5th.
Our first ultrasound should be in about 2 weeks which would put me right around 6 1/2 weeks.
Up next: ER Visit 2/24
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