Devastated

I decided to take a week to process the news we got about my labs on Thursday the 12 of September. If you've been keeping up with us you know I've been taking Spironolact to lower my testosterone levels; elevated levels are a symptom of pcos. Testosterone labs take about 2 - 3 days to come back. Since my appointment was on a Thursday we didn't actually get my results until the 16th.

The nurse called from my doctor's office and told me my testosterone levels did no come down to where they needed to be. I was devastated. There really is no other way to put it. I was sincerely devastated. I truly believed they were going to come down. My doctor had said most women have success with their levels coming down in one month. Obviously I am not one of those women. I just didn't know what to think. I got my hopes up so high about my results. I thought to myself my doctor said most women's levels come down. I don't have a lot of symptoms from pcos and elevated testosterone. All of these things pushed my hopes a little higher.

 I recently got a job. I've been unemployed since we relocated. I was so excited about it. I had actually started training on the 16th when I got my results. When I got the results I was sitting in John's office at work. I had gone to see him after my first day to tell him how it went. He had just left the office to check on something when my phone rang and I got the news. John came back and I didn't tell him. I was in shock and pissed and an emotional wreck. I just didn't know what to say or think. He was having kind of a rough day and I didn't want to add to it.

We finally came home and I kind of snapped at him because I had just gotten so angry over my results. So I laid in bed and was going to take a small nap just to have time to myself. John hadn't asked if I got my results and because I was already mad that made me even more mad. So I text him...yes I text my  husband who was one room away and said "You didn't ask about my labs." Being the amazing man that he is he immediately came to our room and said "You looked upset and I decided I was going to ask later to let you calm down." That made me feel really bad because it just kind of rubbed in that I had taken my anger out on him. I told him about it and it just washed over me like you wouldn't believe. I had already been crying but I started crying even harder when I told John. Partly because I was upset and mad but also because I knew John would be disappointed and that made me feel even worse - even though it wasn't disappointment in me but merely the results.

He is always amazing when I have a melt down about our IF trials. He snuggled up to me and just held me close and let me cry. After a little bit he said that everything was going to be okay and that we had to start somewhere. Sometimes his ability to stay positive through this amazes me. We've been actively trying to have a family for almost 2 years now. After so long it is very hard to be positive. Now we are waiting for our appointment on Monday, September 23rd. This appointment is so that we can talk with our doctor and see what our next step is. Are we going to take another month to lower the elevated levels or are we going to start IF meds.

I guess we will see.