Thursday, February 11, 2016


This cycle we moved ahead and decided to try IUI. It meant having the healthiest sperm for the job and shortening their "travel" distance. For us this seemed like a good direction to go in since our cycles thus far have been unsuccessful. We also added injections to the protocol. To say this cycle was emotionally taxing is an understatement at best. Every injection was an internal battle I had to wage against my mind. Sometimes I managed to get over the fear quickly and sometimes I had to just walk away and come back. We have several ultrasounds and blood work just to monitor the growth of everything.

We've been cycling now for just over 4 years. Through that time we have tried natural supplements, tried without preventing when we needed a break, and seen fertility specialists. At this point cycling has become almost a dreaded venture because I can never shake the doubt that this round won't work, just like the last, and every other time before. This cycle was the first in a long time that I've been genuinely excited about and had some kind of hope in. We were moving ahead and trying something new, and maybe, just maybe this would be the cycle that made us parents. I tried not to get to overly hopeful because I know how crushing it is when the cycle is over and the pregnancy test in front of you is almost mocking you because yet again you're not pregnant. This cycle I have been sick, in pain, and having other "symptoms" I usually don't have; all of which gave me more hope because they are also usually related to early pregnancy.

Today was technically test day but I tested a day early because I couldn't wait any more. Some friends of ours, who have also been struggling with infertility, just announced their IVF cycle was successful. When I read the news I was so incredibly happy for them and in this moment I had the most doubt I had ever had about this cycle. Something just told me this wasn't it for us; It just would've been too perfect my friend and I finding out we were pregnant at the same time. Honestly this is what moved me to test early against the wishes of John. The panic and anxiety were just too much and I couldn't wait any longer.

I tested yesterday morning and just had I come to expect in the past 24 hours it was negative. Another cycle done and we were no closer to being parents than we were before. My amazing Husband tried to soothe my hurt and comfort me, just like I needed. I told him I'd test today just to "double check" since today was our actual test day. I tried to ignore the pain of another failed cycle but randomly through the day things would trigger it and I would start crying. By the end of the day all I wanted to be cuddling with John on the couch and not think about anything and forget the day. When he came home that's exactly what I did. This morning I got up and without any hope I tested again only for it to tell me what I already knew. Even though I already knew this it wasn't any easier to acknowledge.

Right now we're not sure what our next step is but at the very least we'll be taking a month off from cycling just to decompress from this cycle.

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