Happy New Year

I don't make new years resolutions. Usually it has been because I just find it silly and if I don't make one then I don't have to feel bad if I don't stick to it. This year I have decided to do some things better but I am still not calling them resolutions. They are things I should have already been doing and need to work on doing better. Really it is more about self improvement which will help me in the long run.

• Taking care of myself completely
• Mentally
• I have struggled with depression since I was 15 but since I was diagnosed with pcos and we started our IF journey it has been worse. I have good days where I can go without thinking about our struggle and I have days where I feel like I am going to burst into tears at any minute. Even on my good days if I still am hypersensitive to anything child related. I cry at commercials with babies in them. It is insane. There is a college commercial where they are asking graduates who they went to school for and this man says his son. Who is standing right next him - he's a young boy less than 5 definitely. The boy walks over and hugs his and tells him he loves him...I cry every single time I see this commercial. Which is why I feel like I need to start taking steps to make myself feel better. Doing more things for myself that help me de-stress. For instance I have taken to aromatherapy to help with my stress levels and mood. I don't put a lot of stock in it or swear by it but I do like having the nice aromas in my house and they do help me relax. I've even found a mixture that helps me sleep. It is small but it helps and every little bit is nice. I've thought about going back to therapy but haven't committed to it yet. 

• Emotionally
• This really kind of goes hand in hand with mentally. I am tired of being on an emotional roller coaster. I know it won't stop completely with IF. I know I can cut it out the negative influences. For example in the past when I have talked to a certain person about my struggles with IF they make me feel stupid for being upset. They make comments that just make me feel worse. It is so hard to talk to people about IF if they have not experienced it themselves because they don't truly understand what you're going through. For example I have days where I hate my body. I have days where I fell broken and my body has betrayed me. I have days where I feel like I am less of a woman because my ovaries don't release eggs on their own. I have days where I feel like a bad wife because I can't give my Husband children without medical intervention. I cry and get even more depressed every. single. time. I take a pregnancy test and it is negative or I get bad news about a cycle - then all I want to do is lay in bed. 


• People really have no idea and that is okay because I would not wish IF on anyone. If I talk to you about my/our struggle(s) all I really want you to do is listen and be supportive. Don't tell me it took you a while to get pregnant when it only took you 7 months. We have be trying for 2 years now - yes longer than we've been married (for this very reason). I'm sorry this one kind of turned into an IF rant. I get kind of emotional about it if you couldn't tell, but it is all true.

• Physically
• I really want to lose weight and I know I really need too. I weigh 235 the most I have weighed ever and it is really depressing to think about. I really want to get down to 150 which is at the top of the range for my height. Although I would be happy with being 160 which is where I was in HS. I know it won't happen quickly but I am going to starting full force now. I am going to start eating healthier (times and food) and exercising on a regular basis. I've been making excuses for too long now. While my job doesn't make it easy to eat at the right times it is doable. The main force fueling my motivation right now is knowing if I lose weight I will have a healthier and happier pregnancy when it finally happens. This is a huge motivation for me. Being healthier in general and having better overall health is just icing on the cake. 

• Being a better wife and focusing on my Husband
• He has been so amazing through our journey so far. He's been strong and supportive even when his heart was breaking with mine. Without him I don't know what I would do. He's an amazing man and I am so lucky to have him in my life and by my side. We've had a lot happen recently. Some bad and some good and I have tried to be as supportive for him as he has been for me. I only hope I am succeeding. In April we will have been married for 2 years and I don't even see an end in sight. I am excited to have a lifetime experiencing new things with him and growing together. He's the love of my life and he helps me be a better person. He is such a blessing.

I know this post was kind of depressing (except for the part about my Husband) but thank you for taking the time to read it. Here is to hoping this new year will be our year to start our family as well as our friends find this same happiness. We have connected with some amazing people who are struggling with IF and we wish them all the best. They have supported us and prayed for us even though we don't know them personally (some we do) and we want them to know we return the favor. I'm excited to see what 2014 has in store for us.