John,
I am amazed at all you do for me in general. You are such an amazing man and sometimes I can't believe you're mine. You watch over me and you love me even when I feel like I don't deserve it. Through our IVF you took care of me. You were patient with me. You continually asked me what I needed even when I didn't know what I needed for myself. You did everything I needed you to do for me, even the things I could never have imaged I would have needed. Things I will never tell anyone because they're intimate and personal. You were sweet to me when I was screaming in pain and waking you up at 3am.
I love you more than you'll ever know. I knew how lucky I was to have you before we went through IVF and everything you did for me during only strengthened that knowledge. I appreciate that you never questioned what I needed and you genuinely listened when I was desperate for relief, grasping for answers. I can't wait to have children with you because I know they'll feel just as loved. I can't wait to watch you with them, showering them in unconditional love, kindness, and wisdom. I can't wait to experience all of this with you because I know I'll have an equal partner. I love hearing about you talk about us having children. How you'll love. How you'll be there for them, us. How you're excited to walk through this journey together.
I love you, Always
Angelica
Upcoming: Our November FET
Sunday, December 17, 2017
Saturday, December 16, 2017
Our September IVF
When we initially found out we would realistically need IVF to have a family I was extremely nervous. I have a fear of needles and I wasn't sure I could endure an IVF. One because of all the shots due to medications but second because then you undergo a minor procedure to collect the eggs. I just wasn't sure if I was strong enough to overcome my fear no matter how much I wanted a family.
We approached our September IVF with new resolve. While our July IVF was disappointing I think the trust in our Dr really helped us stay hopeful for this one. Going through the medications seemed to go really seamlessly. I was proud of myself for continually getting better administering my shots and it became almost a challenge for me to be able to do them quicker. Sometimes I would get in my way and overthink it which made them difficult even though I had been doing them for a while. Our ultrasounds went really well and at my first monitoring ultrasound my Dr was impressed with my follicles. She had me continue my medications for a couple more days and then John gave my trigger shot. Thursday, September 21, 2017 we had our egg retrieval. It went a lot smoother than I expected mostly on my end. I know they do this for a living so I wasn't doubting them just me. I will say the nurse who put in my IVF did an excellent job. She got it on the first try and it didn't even hurt. She is a pro for sure and I was appreciative of that fact. We retrieved 27 eggs and of those 27 eggs 25 were mature.
Recovery from egg retrieval was really rough for me. I expected to be bloated, tender, and out of it for a couple days. Potentially getting OHSS making it worse but I didn't expect what I went through at all. My retrieval was on a Thursday so I took Thursday and Friday off and I always have the weekend off. So 4 days recover which I figured was plenty based on other stories I had read. I figured I would still be sore but it would be manageable. By Friday I was in extreme pain, considering going to the ER because I had no idea what was going on. Every time I moved I screamed I was in so much pain. I could only sit 1 way and I couldn't sleep laying down no matter how much I wanted to. We talked to my nurse and she said she thought I was just constipated due to what I had told her and because everything was swollen from IVF it was making it worse. We told her what stool softened I had been taking and she mentioned to take 2 others instead. Saturday nothing had changed. I still couldn't sleep laying down and I was waking up every couple hours due to shifting and being in pain. I couldn't get up or do ANYTHING without help. Saturday John got me some milk of magnesia which is supposed to work relatively quickly without being too harsh on the system. So literally at this point I have taken 4 different stool softeners to ease/relieve the pain. I was desperate for something to work.
Overall it took me a week and a half to recover. Even once I had some relief from the constipation I still couldn't sleep laying down for a couple days. Once I could I was only able to sleep on my back and I still couldn't get up own my own. Normally in an IVF you transfer 3 or 5 days after your egg retrieval. Because I was in so much pain we had to do a freeze all which meant when we were ready we would have to do a frozen embryo transfer (FET).
Our September IVF Results:
27 eggs retrieved - 25 mature
18 fertilized via ICSI
18 made it to day 3
6 made it to day 5
10 total made it to day 6 freeze <3
Upcoming: Absolute Thank You To My Husband
We approached our September IVF with new resolve. While our July IVF was disappointing I think the trust in our Dr really helped us stay hopeful for this one. Going through the medications seemed to go really seamlessly. I was proud of myself for continually getting better administering my shots and it became almost a challenge for me to be able to do them quicker. Sometimes I would get in my way and overthink it which made them difficult even though I had been doing them for a while. Our ultrasounds went really well and at my first monitoring ultrasound my Dr was impressed with my follicles. She had me continue my medications for a couple more days and then John gave my trigger shot. Thursday, September 21, 2017 we had our egg retrieval. It went a lot smoother than I expected mostly on my end. I know they do this for a living so I wasn't doubting them just me. I will say the nurse who put in my IVF did an excellent job. She got it on the first try and it didn't even hurt. She is a pro for sure and I was appreciative of that fact. We retrieved 27 eggs and of those 27 eggs 25 were mature.
Recovery from egg retrieval was really rough for me. I expected to be bloated, tender, and out of it for a couple days. Potentially getting OHSS making it worse but I didn't expect what I went through at all. My retrieval was on a Thursday so I took Thursday and Friday off and I always have the weekend off. So 4 days recover which I figured was plenty based on other stories I had read. I figured I would still be sore but it would be manageable. By Friday I was in extreme pain, considering going to the ER because I had no idea what was going on. Every time I moved I screamed I was in so much pain. I could only sit 1 way and I couldn't sleep laying down no matter how much I wanted to. We talked to my nurse and she said she thought I was just constipated due to what I had told her and because everything was swollen from IVF it was making it worse. We told her what stool softened I had been taking and she mentioned to take 2 others instead. Saturday nothing had changed. I still couldn't sleep laying down and I was waking up every couple hours due to shifting and being in pain. I couldn't get up or do ANYTHING without help. Saturday John got me some milk of magnesia which is supposed to work relatively quickly without being too harsh on the system. So literally at this point I have taken 4 different stool softeners to ease/relieve the pain. I was desperate for something to work.
Overall it took me a week and a half to recover. Even once I had some relief from the constipation I still couldn't sleep laying down for a couple days. Once I could I was only able to sleep on my back and I still couldn't get up own my own. Normally in an IVF you transfer 3 or 5 days after your egg retrieval. Because I was in so much pain we had to do a freeze all which meant when we were ready we would have to do a frozen embryo transfer (FET).
Our September IVF Results:
27 eggs retrieved - 25 mature
18 fertilized via ICSI
18 made it to day 3
6 made it to day 5
10 total made it to day 6 freeze <3
Upcoming: Absolute Thank You To My Husband
Friday, December 15, 2017
What We've Been Up To
March 2017 John and I started searching for a new RE to pursue IVF with because ours left the clinic we were at. In April we had a consult with Dr. Dayal at SIRM in St. Louis. We knew instantly she was the Dr we wanted to see for our infertility treatments going forward. Her and her clinic are amazing. We felt like she genuinely cared about our journey but also gave us all of the information we needed. She has always been willing to answer any and all questions we have ever had. Late April and May we went through all the prerequisites our clinic has; all new labs, semen analysis, SHG, and carrier screenings for John and I.
Finally in July we were ready to start our first IVF cycle. We were so excited to finally be making progress toward our dream of having a family. Our giant box of medications came in and really started to sink in. Slowly I started taking the medication per the calendar my clinic gave me. At my first ultrasound things were progressing but obviously slower than they liked so my Dr upped my medication doses. Two ultrasounds later my Dr and I agreed that we should cancel our IVF because my follicles were not growing correctly. If we had continued we would have only been able to retrieve 5 or less which would have been a waste of time and money.
Even though I agreed with my Dr I was disappointed to say the least. We had been waiting over a year to do IVF and on our first attempt things already didn't go well. However I trusted my Dr and she mentioned that she believed increasing my medications would do the trick. She sounded really confident in this which made me feel better. I also knew I was only the lowest medication protocol my clinic has because my Dr was worried about over-stimulation because I have pcos. So it only made sense that increasing medication doses would have a positive impact. Our goal was was to try IVF again in August but due to an increase in our medication cost we had to postpone until September.
Upcoming: Our September IVF
Finally in July we were ready to start our first IVF cycle. We were so excited to finally be making progress toward our dream of having a family. Our giant box of medications came in and really started to sink in. Slowly I started taking the medication per the calendar my clinic gave me. At my first ultrasound things were progressing but obviously slower than they liked so my Dr upped my medication doses. Two ultrasounds later my Dr and I agreed that we should cancel our IVF because my follicles were not growing correctly. If we had continued we would have only been able to retrieve 5 or less which would have been a waste of time and money.
Even though I agreed with my Dr I was disappointed to say the least. We had been waiting over a year to do IVF and on our first attempt things already didn't go well. However I trusted my Dr and she mentioned that she believed increasing my medications would do the trick. She sounded really confident in this which made me feel better. I also knew I was only the lowest medication protocol my clinic has because my Dr was worried about over-stimulation because I have pcos. So it only made sense that increasing medication doses would have a positive impact. Our goal was was to try IVF again in August but due to an increase in our medication cost we had to postpone until September.
Upcoming: Our September IVF
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Our IUI
This cycle we moved ahead and decided to try IUI. It meant having the healthiest sperm for the job and shortening their "travel" distance. For us this seemed like a good direction to go in since our cycles thus far have been unsuccessful. We also added injections to the protocol. To say this cycle was emotionally taxing is an understatement at best. Every injection was an internal battle I had to wage against my mind. Sometimes I managed to get over the fear quickly and sometimes I had to just walk away and come back. We have several ultrasounds and blood work just to monitor the growth of everything.
We've been cycling now for just over 4 years. Through that time we have tried natural supplements, tried without preventing when we needed a break, and seen fertility specialists. At this point cycling has become almost a dreaded venture because I can never shake the doubt that this round won't work, just like the last, and every other time before. This cycle was the first in a long time that I've been genuinely excited about and had some kind of hope in. We were moving ahead and trying something new, and maybe, just maybe this would be the cycle that made us parents. I tried not to get to overly hopeful because I know how crushing it is when the cycle is over and the pregnancy test in front of you is almost mocking you because yet again you're not pregnant. This cycle I have been sick, in pain, and having other "symptoms" I usually don't have; all of which gave me more hope because they are also usually related to early pregnancy.
Today was technically test day but I tested a day early because I couldn't wait any more. Some friends of ours, who have also been struggling with infertility, just announced their IVF cycle was successful. When I read the news I was so incredibly happy for them and in this moment I had the most doubt I had ever had about this cycle. Something just told me this wasn't it for us; It just would've been too perfect my friend and I finding out we were pregnant at the same time. Honestly this is what moved me to test early against the wishes of John. The panic and anxiety were just too much and I couldn't wait any longer.
I tested yesterday morning and just had I come to expect in the past 24 hours it was negative. Another cycle done and we were no closer to being parents than we were before. My amazing Husband tried to soothe my hurt and comfort me, just like I needed. I told him I'd test today just to "double check" since today was our actual test day. I tried to ignore the pain of another failed cycle but randomly through the day things would trigger it and I would start crying. By the end of the day all I wanted to be cuddling with John on the couch and not think about anything and forget the day. When he came home that's exactly what I did. This morning I got up and without any hope I tested again only for it to tell me what I already knew. Even though I already knew this it wasn't any easier to acknowledge.
Right now we're not sure what our next step is but at the very least we'll be taking a month off from cycling just to decompress from this cycle.
We've been cycling now for just over 4 years. Through that time we have tried natural supplements, tried without preventing when we needed a break, and seen fertility specialists. At this point cycling has become almost a dreaded venture because I can never shake the doubt that this round won't work, just like the last, and every other time before. This cycle was the first in a long time that I've been genuinely excited about and had some kind of hope in. We were moving ahead and trying something new, and maybe, just maybe this would be the cycle that made us parents. I tried not to get to overly hopeful because I know how crushing it is when the cycle is over and the pregnancy test in front of you is almost mocking you because yet again you're not pregnant. This cycle I have been sick, in pain, and having other "symptoms" I usually don't have; all of which gave me more hope because they are also usually related to early pregnancy.
Today was technically test day but I tested a day early because I couldn't wait any more. Some friends of ours, who have also been struggling with infertility, just announced their IVF cycle was successful. When I read the news I was so incredibly happy for them and in this moment I had the most doubt I had ever had about this cycle. Something just told me this wasn't it for us; It just would've been too perfect my friend and I finding out we were pregnant at the same time. Honestly this is what moved me to test early against the wishes of John. The panic and anxiety were just too much and I couldn't wait any longer.
I tested yesterday morning and just had I come to expect in the past 24 hours it was negative. Another cycle done and we were no closer to being parents than we were before. My amazing Husband tried to soothe my hurt and comfort me, just like I needed. I told him I'd test today just to "double check" since today was our actual test day. I tried to ignore the pain of another failed cycle but randomly through the day things would trigger it and I would start crying. By the end of the day all I wanted to be cuddling with John on the couch and not think about anything and forget the day. When he came home that's exactly what I did. This morning I got up and without any hope I tested again only for it to tell me what I already knew. Even though I already knew this it wasn't any easier to acknowledge.
Right now we're not sure what our next step is but at the very least we'll be taking a month off from cycling just to decompress from this cycle.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
For Now
So John lost his job about 3 weeks ago which means we don't have the money to go to the RE right now. He's working really hard to find a new job and has talked to several people. I am trying to be supportive of in through this because I know it has been really hard on him. There isn't a lot we can do on our infertility journey without going to the RE. So I've decided to do what I can right now.
I've been really bad about taking my Metformin. I am working my way back up to my full dose. I am supposed to take 2,000mg (500mg x 4) everyday. When I initially started taking Metformin I took 1 pill for a week and then added one and continued this until I worked up to the 2,000mg. So I went and refilled my Metformin and started taking it yesterday. I am taking 2 pills right now. I'll do this for about a week and then jump to the 4 pills.
I bought some prenatals. I was taking a regular women's multivitamin and I finally finished the vitamins. They don't have DHA but I am taking a fish oil supplement that makes up for that. I also got a cinnamon supplement that is supposed to have some of the same effects as Metformin. It is really a see if it works. There are studies on it but just like everything else some swear by it and some hate it. I am still taking my vitamin D. I don't know that I actually need to take it but it is shown ladies with pcos are at more of a risk of vitamin D deficiency than ladies without pcos. I am going to take the rest of the pregnitude that I have but once it runs out I am not going to buy anymore until John gets a job since it is about $35 a box. When we get things settled I will start it back up.
I re-downloaded the myfitnesspal app on my phone. I started tracking my food intake today. Today I have come in underneath my allotted calories; which makes me happy even if it is the first day. I also have drank nothing but water today (except for the milk in my cereal). So far just over 8 cups of water which is impressive for me. I'm not big on water so I am very proud of how much I have drank.
I am going to work on exercising more. I am a server in a restaurant so I am on my feet at work but I know I need more than that. I haven't exactly decided what I am going to do yet. I may do random exercises to work different parts of my body. When we figure things out I am going to look at going to a gym. We are more than likely going to be moving to Columbia (6 hours away) so I don't want to join one here and then us move. Plus I can't afford the extra expense. So I am going to work with what I have at home. I have several videos, some light weights, and a jump rope.
I am so motivated to get my weight under control. I have know I needed to lose weight for a while and I am excited to actually be doing something about it. I am hoping what I am doing will work. Now I just have to make sure I stay determined and committed to this new "mission" I'm on! Then when we move and John finds a job we will go to a new RE and get things really rolling again.
I've been really bad about taking my Metformin. I am working my way back up to my full dose. I am supposed to take 2,000mg (500mg x 4) everyday. When I initially started taking Metformin I took 1 pill for a week and then added one and continued this until I worked up to the 2,000mg. So I went and refilled my Metformin and started taking it yesterday. I am taking 2 pills right now. I'll do this for about a week and then jump to the 4 pills.
I bought some prenatals. I was taking a regular women's multivitamin and I finally finished the vitamins. They don't have DHA but I am taking a fish oil supplement that makes up for that. I also got a cinnamon supplement that is supposed to have some of the same effects as Metformin. It is really a see if it works. There are studies on it but just like everything else some swear by it and some hate it. I am still taking my vitamin D. I don't know that I actually need to take it but it is shown ladies with pcos are at more of a risk of vitamin D deficiency than ladies without pcos. I am going to take the rest of the pregnitude that I have but once it runs out I am not going to buy anymore until John gets a job since it is about $35 a box. When we get things settled I will start it back up.
I re-downloaded the myfitnesspal app on my phone. I started tracking my food intake today. Today I have come in underneath my allotted calories; which makes me happy even if it is the first day. I also have drank nothing but water today (except for the milk in my cereal). So far just over 8 cups of water which is impressive for me. I'm not big on water so I am very proud of how much I have drank.
I am going to work on exercising more. I am a server in a restaurant so I am on my feet at work but I know I need more than that. I haven't exactly decided what I am going to do yet. I may do random exercises to work different parts of my body. When we figure things out I am going to look at going to a gym. We are more than likely going to be moving to Columbia (6 hours away) so I don't want to join one here and then us move. Plus I can't afford the extra expense. So I am going to work with what I have at home. I have several videos, some light weights, and a jump rope.
I am so motivated to get my weight under control. I have know I needed to lose weight for a while and I am excited to actually be doing something about it. I am hoping what I am doing will work. Now I just have to make sure I stay determined and committed to this new "mission" I'm on! Then when we move and John finds a job we will go to a new RE and get things really rolling again.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Happy New Year
I don't make new years resolutions. Usually it has been because I just find it silly and if I don't make one then I don't have to feel bad if I don't stick to it. This year I have decided to do some things better but I am still not calling them resolutions. They are things I should have already been doing and need to work on doing better. Really it is more about self improvement which will help me in the long run.
- Taking care of myself completely
- Mentally
- I have struggled with depression since I was 15 but since I was diagnosed with pcos and we started our IF journey it has been worse. I have good days where I can go without thinking about our struggle and I have days where I feel like I am going to burst into tears at any minute. Even on my good days if I still am hypersensitive to anything child related. I cry at commercials with babies in them. It is insane. There is a college commercial where they are asking graduates who they went to school for and this man says his son. Who is standing right next him - he's a young boy less than 5 definitely. The boy walks over and hugs his and tells him he loves him...I cry every single time I see this commercial. Which is why I feel like I need to start taking steps to make myself feel better. Doing more things for myself that help me de-stress. For instance I have taken to aromatherapy to help with my stress levels and mood. I don't put a lot of stock in it or swear by it but I do like having the nice aromas in my house and they do help me relax. I've even found a mixture that helps me sleep. It is small but it helps and every little bit is nice. I've thought about going back to therapy but haven't committed to it yet.
- Emotionally
- This really kind of goes hand in hand with mentally. I am tired of being on an emotional roller coaster. I know it won't stop completely with IF. I know I can cut it out the negative influences. For example in the past when I have talked to a certain person about my struggles with IF they make me feel stupid for being upset. They make comments that just make me feel worse. It is so hard to talk to people about IF if they have not experienced it themselves because they don't truly understand what you're going through. For example I have days where I hate my body. I have days where I fell broken and my body has betrayed me. I have days where I feel like I am less of a woman because my ovaries don't release eggs on their own. I have days where I feel like a bad wife because I can't give my Husband children without medical intervention. I cry and get even more depressed every. single. time. I take a pregnancy test and it is negative or I get bad news about a cycle - then all I want to do is lay in bed.
- People really have no idea and that is okay because I would not wish IF on anyone. If I talk to you about my/our struggle(s) all I really want you to do is listen and be supportive. Don't tell me it took you a while to get pregnant when it only took you 7 months. We have be trying for 2 years now - yes longer than we've been married (for this very reason). I'm sorry this one kind of turned into an IF rant. I get kind of emotional about it if you couldn't tell, but it is all true.
- Physically
- I really want to lose weight and I know I really need too. I weigh 235 the most I have weighed ever and it is really depressing to think about. I really want to get down to 150 which is at the top of the range for my height. Although I would be happy with being 160 which is where I was in HS. I know it won't happen quickly but I am going to starting full force now. I am going to start eating healthier (times and food) and exercising on a regular basis. I've been making excuses for too long now. While my job doesn't make it easy to eat at the right times it is doable. The main force fueling my motivation right now is knowing if I lose weight I will have a healthier and happier pregnancy when it finally happens. This is a huge motivation for me. Being healthier in general and having better overall health is just icing on the cake.
- Being a better wife and focusing on my Husband
- He has been so amazing through our journey so far. He's been strong and supportive even when his heart was breaking with mine. Without him I don't know what I would do. He's an amazing man and I am so lucky to have him in my life and by my side. We've had a lot happen recently. Some bad and some good and I have tried to be as supportive for him as he has been for me. I only hope I am succeeding. In April we will have been married for 2 years and I don't even see an end in sight. I am excited to have a lifetime experiencing new things with him and growing together. He's the love of my life and he helps me be a better person. He is such a blessing.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Thanksgiving + Update
Thanksgiving Day!!
John and I hosted Thanksgiving at our place this year. My Dad and Stepmom were out of town this year which is where we typically go (if we go anywhere). John was so excited because this was our first time hosting Thanksgiving as a married couple. We cooked a huge meal and my brothers came over. We had turkey, ham, deviled eggs, green bean casserole, and mashed potatoes; for dessert we had brownies and pistachio pudding. We ate and watched Friends - we had an amazing time! Then we played Xbox together. My Mom wasn't able to make it but we missed her. I made sure to send leftovers home with the boys so she could at least enjoy the delicious food!
Things I am thankful for:
My Husband, John - he has been so amazing this year (well in general). We have been through a lot this year - some highs and some lows. No matter what he is there for me and takes care of me. He is so patient and loving with me. I know our infertility journey has been hard on him but he really has been so strong for me throughout this. I can't wait until we have our little miracle family because I know he will make a wonderful Father to our children.
My Family - They are amazing and I wouldn't be who I am today without them. They keep me crazy and sane at the same time if that is even possible. They are a crazy bunch but I they are amazing nonetheless.They have supported me and loved me through my rough times. I hope they know how much I love them and how much they mean to me.
As for an update on our infertility journey. We have an appointment with an RE on Dec. 16th. We are going to talk to them about Femara. It is like Clomid but some women respond to one and not the other. I am hoping that if my doctor thinks it is worth trying this will be the case for us. If not then we have exhausted oral meds and will have to move on to injects. I am super nervous and stressed about this. However I know no matter what we have to do to have our little family it will all be worth it. If we do move on to injects we will have to decide on whether we want to try IUI or jump straight to IVF. I think John is leaning toward IVF because while it is more expensive it does have better success rates than IUI. I'm not sure where I am with it honestly. Ideally I would want to do IVF rather than trying IUI but I'm just not sure. The whole thing stresses me out. Right now I am just trying to take this one day at a time and not stress too much.
John and I hosted Thanksgiving at our place this year. My Dad and Stepmom were out of town this year which is where we typically go (if we go anywhere). John was so excited because this was our first time hosting Thanksgiving as a married couple. We cooked a huge meal and my brothers came over. We had turkey, ham, deviled eggs, green bean casserole, and mashed potatoes; for dessert we had brownies and pistachio pudding. We ate and watched Friends - we had an amazing time! Then we played Xbox together. My Mom wasn't able to make it but we missed her. I made sure to send leftovers home with the boys so she could at least enjoy the delicious food!
Things I am thankful for:
My Husband, John - he has been so amazing this year (well in general). We have been through a lot this year - some highs and some lows. No matter what he is there for me and takes care of me. He is so patient and loving with me. I know our infertility journey has been hard on him but he really has been so strong for me throughout this. I can't wait until we have our little miracle family because I know he will make a wonderful Father to our children.
My Family - They are amazing and I wouldn't be who I am today without them. They keep me crazy and sane at the same time if that is even possible. They are a crazy bunch but I they are amazing nonetheless.They have supported me and loved me through my rough times. I hope they know how much I love them and how much they mean to me.
As for an update on our infertility journey. We have an appointment with an RE on Dec. 16th. We are going to talk to them about Femara. It is like Clomid but some women respond to one and not the other. I am hoping that if my doctor thinks it is worth trying this will be the case for us. If not then we have exhausted oral meds and will have to move on to injects. I am super nervous and stressed about this. However I know no matter what we have to do to have our little family it will all be worth it. If we do move on to injects we will have to decide on whether we want to try IUI or jump straight to IVF. I think John is leaning toward IVF because while it is more expensive it does have better success rates than IUI. I'm not sure where I am with it honestly. Ideally I would want to do IVF rather than trying IUI but I'm just not sure. The whole thing stresses me out. Right now I am just trying to take this one day at a time and not stress too much.
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