Playing the Waiting Game

We're going on 6 months of fighting with our previous insurance to pay our fertility clinic so we can get back to cycling. My goal was to be able to start our ERA cycle in January or February and that hasn't due to them fighting our claim even though it definitely should be covered. It is extremely frustrating. 

A friend from school announced her wife's pregnancy and I was completely blindsided. I was hurt she didn't tell me when they found out; especially since we have bonded over the fertility process. It made me feel forgotten by some of my friends from school who I haven't heard from at all. All of this was amplified by the fact that tomorrow is my estimated due date from my second miscarriage last year. I am so excited for them. I know how hard they have worked for this. How much they have wanted it. But I also got sucked into the "why not me" darkness that usually comes with especially hard announcements. 

My therapist asked if I was scared to start cycling again and I told her no. The truth is, I'm not scared to start cycling again, whenever that happens, but I am terrified of being pregnant again. I want to get through our ERA cycle and hopefully figure out we've been transferring our embryos on the wrong day so I feel like we have a better chance at success. I know if we get results saying we have been transferring on the right day then I will be scared to cycle because then what could possible be the issue? I am trying not to stress about it but the longer it takes to start cycling the easier it is for my mind to wonder to this unpleasant topic. At least with cycling I have something to keep my mind busy. Hopefully insurance gets off their ass soon and gets our claim paid. 

Considering our next move

After talking with my RE about both of my miscarriages she recommended we take a break from cycling and do an ERA test; ERA stands for endometrial receptivity analysis. Basically we would cut down my medications to just a few and instead of transferring an embryo my RE would take a biopsy of my uterine lining and have it tested. The test would determine if we are transferring our embryos at the right time or if it needs to be adjusted.

We attempted to do this with 2 different cycles and my body simply would not cooperate. We had to cancel both cycles and plan to do another. With the second cycle I finally just got tired of it. We have been cycling on and off with my RE now for almost 2 years which is not really a long time but that's also only 2 years of the 7 we have been trying now. Even when we were not in the middle of a cycle it still consumed our lives. Are we doing enough? Should we be doing more? Should we go more natural? Are we saving enough? Have we tried everything we can? Should we be asking more questions? There is so much that you worry about that your downtime doesn't even seem like downtime.

So with the second ERA cycle I finally was just done. I talked to John about what I wanted to do and once we had come to our own decision, I emailed my nurse and let her know I was done. I was ending the cycle and stopping my medication because I needed a break. I sent this email on Oct. 9th, 2018. At first, I wasn't sure I was making the right decision but the longer I have thought about it. Thought about where I am mentally and emotionally, I know I made the right decision for me; no matter how hard it was to make. We chose to take the remainder of the year off from cycling. Absolutely nothing to do with cycling. We know we want to pick back up either in January or February but other than that we haven't done a thing. In this time, I have realized how much I needed this.

Based on my initial FET in February 2018 I should be a Mother by now. I should be holding a child and loving them unconditionally. But that's not what happened. Instead I have a tub of baby stuff I have collected that haunts me. Almost laughs at me mockingly every time I see it. It serves as a reminder of what I have desperately worked towards only to have it torn away from me. I reached out to a therapist here in town that specializes in infertility counseling. If nothing else, this break has shown me how much I need help. I have been putting off going to counseling for a long time. Always finding an excuse or convincing myself that I had things in order. I don't and I haven't for a long time. I know it has had an impact on my life as a whole but definitely on my marriage and I can't allow that any longer. My goal is to work on myself through my own resources and through going to counseling. My hope is that it puts me in a better place to start cycling again after the beginning of the year.

FET #3

On June 14th we transferred these beautiful embryos. The one on the bottom is completely hatched and the one on the top is still trying to hatching but definitely in a good position. My RE was very happy with the quality of our embryos after thawing.

Our beta was schedule for June 25th! I can't find my results for beta #1 but the second beta came back at 533. I was very excited to be pregnant but I was constantly worried something was going to happen.

On July 2nd I started bleeding while I was at work and again had another miscarriage. I was 5w1d with this pregnancy as well.


I took the week off of work and class to be with myself. I did not feel like I had the energy to be in class and pretend everything was okay. Several betas later my hcg had gone back down to 0 and I was officially no longer pregnant. I was thankful however that this miscarriage happened naturally and I did not have to have a D&C again. It sounds silly but the first D&C was really hard and I just wasn't prepared to go through it again.

Up next: Considering our next move

ER Visit 2/24

I was getting up from a nap when I felt a whoosh between my legs. I knew immediately something was wrong because it is the same kind of feeling I get when my period starts. I went to the bathroom and discovered some blood. I immediately called my nurse. While I know spotting can be normal in early pregnancy I still wanted to call and get her opinion. After listening to me describe the incident and the amount of blood she told me it did not sound like anything to worry about. I also asked my Ladies in my infertility FB group that I am active in to see what they had to say. Most seemed to say the same thing because it seemed minor but a couple told me if I felt like I needed to go to the ER to do so. They also mentioned they probably would not be able to do a lot for me due to the fact that I was so early in my pregnancy but if I felt I needed to go, then I should. My nurse also told me this. At first I was fine. I decided I would just try to relax and and decided to lay back down. When I woke back up this happened again except this time it was worse. I text John and he immediately came home and took me to the emergency room.

I was in the emergency room for almost 8 hours. I got seem almost immediately and everyone very nice and considerate of what I was potentially going through. One of the first things they did was run some labs including a beta to see where it was at. My beta in the ER came back at 5682 which gave us a little bit of hope that this could just be a normal bleed. We left the ER that night was a small amount of hope but no real answers. We were told it could be a number of things but because I was so early they could not see anything on the ultrasound so we would have to rely on beta numbers for now. I was instructed to go get a new beta drawn on Monday. That beta came back at 1600 which means I was having a miscarriage. I personally believe I fully passed most of the tissue when I was at the ER but did not know what it was at the time.

I lost my pregnancy at 5w1d on February 24th.

My betas for this cycle were:

2/15: 146
2/20: 1180
2/24: 5682
2/26: 1600
2/27: 544

Because I was having a miscarriage after the 27th I had weekly beta draws to ensure it went back down to 0. It steadily decreased until it randomly started going back up. This was a nightmare because in my mind I was wondering if maybe one embryo had passed but the other was holding on. While my RE said this was highly highly unlikely I still held onto that chance. Ultimately my my beta stabilized and barely budged so my RE recommended having a D&C done to go in and remove the remaining tissue that was preventing my beta from going down. My 8 week ultrasound should have been on April 3rd, my birthday. My D&C for my miscarriage was on April 4th. My RE mentioned she did find tissue that had not passed and she believed that was why my beta would not go down to 0. About 2 weeks after my D&C my beta was down to 0 which meant my D&C was successful and we could move on.

Up next: FET #3

Betas!

A beta is the blood test that determines whether or not a woman is pregnant. There are 2 different beta tests - qualitative and quantitative. The qualitative is a yes/no kind of test; where as the quantitative gives an actual number. For woman doing infertility treatments their clinics often request the quantitative because they want to make sure the levels are adequately rising. If it isn't it could be an indicator of potential miscarriage.

Out first beta for this cycle on February 15th and it came back at a 146! Which is awesome because it meant we are pregnant! Our second beta was on February 20th and came back at 1180. We transferred 2 beautiful embryos on February 7th which means our estimated due date (EDD) for a single baby would be October 26th or if we wind up with twins would be October 5th.

Our first ultrasound should be in about 2 weeks which would put me right around 6 1/2 weeks.

Up next: ER Visit 2/24

Instagram and our Cycle

With our IVF and even first FET we kept everything pretty hush hush. This was mainly because I didn't want the pressure of having to keep everyone up to date on what was going on and the results. I really just wanted to privacy. I wasn't really sure what to expect with IVF and the stories I had read from other Ladies varied greatly. So I didn't want to get in over my head. Everyone who did know has been super supportive and is really great about waiting for us to give them information but I just didn't want the added stress even if minimal.

Somewhere along the way in our second FET I decided to start sharing on Instagram. It still kept almost everyone in the dark. I don't use instagram a lot and most people who follow me are friends not family (although there is some family). So I didn't feel like it was that big of a deal to share there. Plus, with instagram and using hashtags I felt like it would bring some kind of light to others as to part of the process. I wound up having others follow me who had either been through the process and even some professionals. It was actually really nice to have that kind of extra support I didn't have before. It was also nice to see the comments from friends and family along the way as I was sharing. I honestly think doing this helped my positivity and hope through the process due to the extra support. At first I was of course nervous but in the end I am very glad that I chose to share at least some of the journey on social media.

Up Next: Beta Day!!

February FET - #2

For FET #2 I feel like I was a lot more relaxed. I was excited but I was not as excited as I had been with our first FET. Maybe, it was a fear of getting too excited and hopeful. Maybe, it was just a more relaxed approach. It was honestly a mix of both. I was excited to be starting again but I was nervous it would not turn out like the first one. I was also worried things were so perfect the first time how could they be as good the second time. I had a lot of emotions going around.

At my baseline ultrasound my lining was around a 3ish which was lower than the first round. I had a longer cycle even past my baseline so I was worried I was losing even more lining after this appointment. So when I went to my prelining check I had already come to terms that it was going to be too thin to transfer at that time. Which is fine because my RE schedules 2 different lining checks. If you're ready at the first check you don't have to go to the second and if you're not then you do. So it really wouldn't have been a serious issue if my lining wasn't ready because I had another appointment. However, at my prelining my lining was 10ish so thicker than the cycle before and my RE specifically said this time that it was triple striped which is what they look for. I was pleasantly surprised by this and beyond excited. So we were ready to transfer our two beautiful embryos on Feb. 7th.

The day came and we made our way to St. Louis for the transfer and the air was mixed with excitement and anxiety. I was trying not to be too hopeful but I felt good about this cycle. We had the hysteroscopy acting as an endo scratch which helped out odds and we were transferring 2 embryos instead of 1. I just felt like we were throwing so much at this cycle it had to be better than the last. Transfer was little more uneventful this round.  I took my Valium and we waited for them to come get us. There were no jokes this time, just business. We watched together again as the flash came on the ultrasound screen as they transferred our embryos. Then the long wait began until our beta for this cycle. John and I have always had a white board somewhere in our home as long as we've been dating that we would use to write sweet messages to each other on. We felt it was appropriate to write a sweet message to our embryos during the two week wait.

Our embryos we transferred Feb. 7th

Our message to our embryos

Up Next: Instagram and our Cycle

Preparing for FET #2

We knew we wanted to cycle right away since the FET it pretty simple. We wouldn't make it in time to cycle in December due to when our FET ended so we were scheduled to cycle again in January. We had a consultation with our RE to discuss our failed cycle. We talked about what could have gone wrong, if we needed to change anything, how we were feeling about the results, and so on. Our RE basically said she believed it basically came down to statistics. She put it quite more polite than that but that's the jist of it. Basically everything was perfect and looked like it needed to going into transfer and our transfer was a breeze and very smooth. However that doesn't guarantee success. She said since we didn't have out embryos PGS/PGD tested it could have been an abnormal embryo as well. We agreed because of everything we wanted to stick with the same protocol we had used. It obviously worked very well for us so we didn't want to deviate from it. Why change it if it isn't broken?

After our consultation we did my Saline ultrasound which is where a saline solution is pushed into the uterus to look for issues. During this my RE found a polyp in my uterus and informed me this would need to be removed before we could transfer. Due to the timing this would push our second FET back another month and into February. However, it was best to proceed with removing the polyp because it can hinder the success of a cycle.

On Jan. 3rd I had a hysteroscopy to remove the polyp my RE saw at the saline and she cleared out some other areas that looked like they could have become polyps had they not been addressed. The procedure went really smooth. My RE was able to get everything and said this acts as an endo scratch which can aid with implantation of our next FET. So while it did push our transfer back a month it turned out to help us a little as well. Recovery was really easy. No pain meds were needed not even over the counter ones. As soon as I stopped my birth control and started my new cycle I could start my medication protocol for FET #2.

Up Next: February FET - #2

Negative Beta and the Fallout

To say I was devastated is an understatement. Leading up to transfer John kept telling me he was preparing for potentially having to do more than on FET. It does of course come down to a lot of factors as to whether or not a cycle is successful. I wouldn't have it. Everything had been so perfect leading up to transfer and our embryo was gorgeous. I just knew it was going to work.

I was sitting on the couch when I got the call. John had briefly gone upstairs and my Nurse gave me the news "I'm sorry, but your beta came back below 5 and is negative". She was so sweet and sincere and you could tell she hates making these bad news calls. I instantly started crying but reigned it in quickly because I knew John would be back soon. Once he came back to sit on the couch with me I broke the news to him and I could tell he was just as upset even though he doesn't show it like I do. I had considered not telling him until he got home from work because I knew in just a few minutes he was going to have to get ready and go. I didn't want to ruin his whole night but I felt like he deserved to know right then. And I knew if the roles were reversed I would want him to tell me right away. So I did.

I was heartbroken. I felt like everything just crumbled before I my eyes.  I laid around as much as I could and I just kind of stopped existing. Of course I still had to go to work but working part time without contact with anyone made that pretty easy. I couldn't believe this had happened. I had put everything into this cycle. Everything. The emotions would randomly hit me. I could walk past the baby section somewhere and cry. I could see a commercial that was family based or kid based and cry. I could hear a song with one relevant lyric and cry. Sometimes there was nothing to provoke me the emotions of all of it in general would just get me. I threw a pretty long pity party before I got focused and decided I needed to pick myself up and start preparing for what was to come next.

Up Next: Preparing for FET #2

Our November FET

Once my cycle started after our IVF I was able to start preparing for our frozen embryo transfer (FET) in November. The process for this is much easier on the body than IVF is. I was thankful for less injections in the FET process. While I was proud of myself for being able to overcome my fear enough to do my injections that doesn't mean I wanted to do very many. Most of my medications were oral meds with one daily injection in the morning. Piece of cake compared to the three injections a day I was on with IVF. The process was also less taxing on my body in general. I felt better physically through the entire cycle.

Going into this cycle I had a lot of hope. This was it. This cycle would end with an embryo transfer and potentially a pregnant. This is what we had been working toward for almost six years. I was excited to get started. I was excited to go through the FET process. Things for our cycle went perfectly. At baseline my lining was around 4mm and my RE looks for it to be under 5. We started out on a great track. At my prelining ultrasound, the first ultrasound to check the uterine lining, my lining was at a 9.4 and my RE looks for it to be above a 9 for transfer. We were beyond excited. Things were going so smoothly. We weren't struggling to get the results we needed which only made the process that much easier. With my lining being where it needed to be we were set to transfer on Nov. 13th. After much discussion with our amazing Dr we decided we would only transfer one embryo. She recommended this due to my age and some concerns I had with the scar tissue in my abdomen. While we wanted to transfer two going into the process at the start we trust our RE a lot and went with her recommendation with the understanding that if it wasn't successful we would transfer two the next round.

Transfer day finally came! I felt like the week leading up to this day dragged slower and slower with each new day. At transfer they gave me Valium to relax everything so there is no cramping during the procedure. It made me chatty and giggly which was hilarious. We told jokes during the procedure, seriously my RE is the coolest. The transfer is very orderly. The call your name to the embryologist to let them know you're ready, the come in with the embryos and have you confirm your info, and then they transfer them through a catheter. It is very controlled and obviously for good reason. You get to watch the whole thing on an ultrasound screen and it's an amazing experience. John held my hand while they transferred our beautiful embryo. When they transfer the embryo(s) there is a flash on the ultrasound so you can actually see it which is really awesome.

Our beautiful embryo we transferred Nov. 13th

Then came the hard part - the two week wait (tww). My beta was scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving. A beta lab draw is used to measure the hcg in a woman's system to determine pregnancy. I belong to several IVF groups on Facebook for support. Many of the Ladies on there talk about how quickly they see a positive on a home pregnancy test. I initially wanted to wait to test the day before or day of beta. This way I would have an idea of the outcome and would not be testing super early. Well, I caved and started testing only four days after transfer which is pretty early. I tested all the way to beta day and they were all stark white. Going into beta I did not have a ton of hope it would work out due to my tests but knew my hcg could to be too low for the tests to register. On Nov. 22nd I found out my beta was negative. 

Up Next: Negative Beta and the Fallout

Absolute Thank You To My Husband

John,

I am amazed at all you do for me in general. You are such an amazing man and sometimes I can't believe you're mine. You watch over me and you love me even when I feel like I don't deserve it. Through our IVF you took care of me. You were patient with me. You continually asked me what I needed even when I didn't know what I needed for myself. You did everything I needed you to do for me, even the things I could never have imaged I would have needed. Things I will never tell anyone because they're intimate and personal. You were sweet to me when I was screaming in pain and waking you up at 3am.

I love you more than you'll ever know. I knew how lucky I was to have you before we went through IVF and everything you did for me during only strengthened that knowledge. I appreciate that you never questioned what I needed and you genuinely listened when I was desperate for relief, grasping for answers. I can't wait to have children with you because I know they'll feel just as loved. I can't wait to watch you with them, showering them in unconditional love, kindness, and wisdom. I can't wait to experience all of this with you because I know I'll have an equal partner. I love hearing about you talk about us having children. How you'll love. How you'll be there for them, us. How you're excited to walk through this journey together.

I love you, Always

Angelica

Upcoming: Our November FET

Our September IVF

When we initially found out we would realistically need IVF to have a family I was extremely nervous. I have a fear of needles and I wasn't sure I could endure an IVF. One because of all the shots due to medications but second because then you undergo a minor procedure to collect the eggs. I just wasn't sure if I was strong enough to overcome my fear no matter how much I wanted a family.

We approached our September IVF with new resolve. While our July IVF was disappointing I think the trust in our Dr really helped us stay hopeful for this one. Going through the medications seemed to go really seamlessly. I was proud of myself for continually getting better administering my shots and it became almost a challenge for me to be able to do them quicker. Sometimes I would get in my way and overthink it which made them difficult even though I had been doing them for a while. Our ultrasounds went really well and at my first monitoring ultrasound my Dr was impressed with my follicles. She had me continue my medications for a couple more days and then John gave my trigger shot. Thursday, September 21, 2017 we had our egg retrieval. It went a lot smoother than I expected mostly on my end. I know they do this for a living so I wasn't doubting them just me. I will say the nurse who put in my IVF did an excellent job. She got it on the first try and it didn't even hurt. She is a pro for sure and I was appreciative of that fact. We retrieved 27 eggs and of those 27 eggs 25 were mature.

Recovery from egg retrieval was really rough for me. I expected to be bloated, tender, and out of it for a couple days. Potentially getting OHSS making it worse but I didn't expect what I went through at all. My retrieval was on a Thursday so I took Thursday and Friday off and I always have the weekend off. So 4 days recover which I figured was plenty based on other stories I had read. I figured I would still be sore but it would be manageable. By Friday I was in extreme pain, considering going to the ER because I had no idea what was going on. Every time I moved I screamed I was in so much pain. I could only sit 1 way and I couldn't sleep laying down no matter how much I wanted to. We talked to my nurse and she said she thought I was just constipated due to what I had told her and because everything was swollen from IVF it was making it worse. We told her what stool softened I had been taking and she mentioned to take 2 others instead. Saturday nothing had changed. I still couldn't sleep laying down and I was waking up every couple hours due to shifting and being in pain. I couldn't get up or do ANYTHING without help. Saturday John got me some milk of magnesia which is supposed to work relatively quickly without being too harsh on the system. So literally at this point I have taken 4 different stool softeners to ease/relieve the pain. I was desperate for something to work.

Overall it took me a week and a half to recover. Even once I had some relief from the constipation I still couldn't sleep laying down for a couple days. Once I could I was only able to sleep on my back and I still couldn't get up own my own. Normally in an IVF you transfer 3 or 5 days after your egg retrieval. Because I was in so much pain we had to do a freeze all which meant when we were ready we would have to do a frozen embryo transfer (FET).

Our September IVF Results:
27 eggs retrieved - 25 mature
18 fertilized via ICSI
18 made it to day 3
6 made it to day 5
10 total made it to day 6 freeze <3

Upcoming: Absolute Thank You To My Husband

What We've Been Up To

March 2017 John and I started searching for a new RE to pursue IVF with because ours left the clinic we were at. In April we had a consult with Dr. Dayal at SIRM in St. Louis. We knew instantly she was the Dr we wanted to see for our infertility treatments going forward. Her and her clinic are amazing. We felt like she genuinely cared about our journey but also gave us all of the information we needed. She has always been willing to answer any and all questions we have ever had. Late April and May we went through all the prerequisites our clinic has; all new labs, semen analysis, SHG, and carrier screenings for John and I.

Finally in July we were ready to start our first IVF cycle. We were so excited to finally be making progress toward our dream of having a family. Our giant box of medications came in and really started to sink in. Slowly I started taking the medication per the calendar my clinic gave me. At my first ultrasound things were progressing but obviously slower than they liked so my Dr upped my medication doses. Two ultrasounds later my Dr and I agreed that we should cancel our IVF because my follicles were not growing correctly. If we had continued we would have only been able to retrieve 5 or less which would have been a waste of time and money.

Even though I agreed with my Dr I was disappointed to say the least. We had been waiting over a year to do IVF and on our first attempt things already didn't go well. However I trusted my Dr and she mentioned that she believed increasing my medications would do the trick. She sounded really confident in this which made me feel better. I also knew I was only the lowest medication protocol my clinic has because my Dr was worried about over-stimulation because I have pcos. So it only made sense that increasing medication doses would have a positive impact. Our goal was was to try IVF again in August but due to an increase in our medication cost we had to postpone until September.

Upcoming: Our September IVF

Our IUI

This cycle we moved ahead and decided to try IUI. It meant having the healthiest sperm for the job and shortening their "travel" distance. For us this seemed like a good direction to go in since our cycles thus far have been unsuccessful. We also added injections to the protocol. To say this cycle was emotionally taxing is an understatement at best. Every injection was an internal battle I had to wage against my mind. Sometimes I managed to get over the fear quickly and sometimes I had to just walk away and come back. We have several ultrasounds and blood work just to monitor the growth of everything.

We've been cycling now for just over 4 years. Through that time we have tried natural supplements, tried without preventing when we needed a break, and seen fertility specialists. At this point cycling has become almost a dreaded venture because I can never shake the doubt that this round won't work, just like the last, and every other time before. This cycle was the first in a long time that I've been genuinely excited about and had some kind of hope in. We were moving ahead and trying something new, and maybe, just maybe this would be the cycle that made us parents. I tried not to get to overly hopeful because I know how crushing it is when the cycle is over and the pregnancy test in front of you is almost mocking you because yet again you're not pregnant. This cycle I have been sick, in pain, and having other "symptoms" I usually don't have; all of which gave me more hope because they are also usually related to early pregnancy.

Today was technically test day but I tested a day early because I couldn't wait any more. Some friends of ours, who have also been struggling with infertility, just announced their IVF cycle was successful. When I read the news I was so incredibly happy for them and in this moment I had the most doubt I had ever had about this cycle. Something just told me this wasn't it for us; It just would've been too perfect my friend and I finding out we were pregnant at the same time. Honestly this is what moved me to test early against the wishes of John. The panic and anxiety were just too much and I couldn't wait any longer.

I tested yesterday morning and just had I come to expect in the past 24 hours it was negative. Another cycle done and we were no closer to being parents than we were before. My amazing Husband tried to soothe my hurt and comfort me, just like I needed. I told him I'd test today just to "double check" since today was our actual test day. I tried to ignore the pain of another failed cycle but randomly through the day things would trigger it and I would start crying. By the end of the day all I wanted to be cuddling with John on the couch and not think about anything and forget the day. When he came home that's exactly what I did. This morning I got up and without any hope I tested again only for it to tell me what I already knew. Even though I already knew this it wasn't any easier to acknowledge.

Right now we're not sure what our next step is but at the very least we'll be taking a month off from cycling just to decompress from this cycle.

For Now

So John lost his job about 3 weeks ago which means we don't have the money to go to the RE right now. He's working really hard to find a new job and has talked to several people. I am trying to be supportive of in through this because I know it has been really hard on him. There isn't a lot we can do on our infertility journey without going to the RE.  So I've decided to do what I can right now.

I've been really bad about taking my Metformin. I am working my way back up to my full dose. I am supposed to take 2,000mg (500mg x 4) everyday. When I initially started taking Metformin I took 1 pill for a week and then added one and continued this until I worked up to the 2,000mg. So I went and refilled my Metformin and started taking it yesterday. I am taking 2 pills right now. I'll do this for about a week and then jump to the 4 pills.

I bought some prenatals. I was taking a regular women's multivitamin and I finally finished the vitamins. They don't have DHA but I am taking a fish oil supplement that makes up for that. I also got a cinnamon supplement that is supposed to have some of the same effects as Metformin. It is really a see if it works. There are studies on it but just like everything else some swear by it and some hate it. I am still taking my vitamin D. I don't know that I actually need to take it but it is shown ladies with pcos are at more of a risk of vitamin D deficiency than ladies without pcos. I am going to take the rest of the pregnitude that I have but once it runs out I am not going to buy anymore until John gets a job since it is about $35 a box. When we get things settled I will start it back up.

I re-downloaded the myfitnesspal app on my phone. I started tracking my food intake today. Today I have come in underneath my allotted calories; which makes me happy even if it is the first day. I also have drank nothing but water today (except for the milk in my cereal). So far just over 8 cups of water which is impressive for me. I'm not big on water so I am very proud of how much I have drank.

I am going to work on exercising more. I am a server in a restaurant so I am on my feet at work but I know I need more than that. I haven't exactly decided what I am going to do yet. I may do random exercises to work different parts of my body. When we figure things out I am going to look at going to a gym. We are more than likely going to be moving to Columbia (6 hours away) so I don't want to join one here and then us move. Plus I can't afford the extra expense. So I am going to work with what I have at home. I have several videos, some light weights, and a jump rope.

I am so motivated to get my weight under control. I have know I needed to lose weight for a while and I am excited to actually be doing something about it. I am hoping what I am doing will work. Now I just have to make sure I stay determined and committed to this new "mission" I'm on! Then when we move and John finds a job we will go to a new RE and get things really rolling again.

Happy New Year

I don't make new years resolutions. Usually it has been because I just find it silly and if I don't make one then I don't have to feel bad if I don't stick to it. This year I have decided to do some things better but I am still not calling them resolutions. They are things I should have already been doing and need to work on doing better. Really it is more about self improvement which will help me in the long run.

• Taking care of myself completely
• Mentally
• I have struggled with depression since I was 15 but since I was diagnosed with pcos and we started our IF journey it has been worse. I have good days where I can go without thinking about our struggle and I have days where I feel like I am going to burst into tears at any minute. Even on my good days if I still am hypersensitive to anything child related. I cry at commercials with babies in them. It is insane. There is a college commercial where they are asking graduates who they went to school for and this man says his son. Who is standing right next him - he's a young boy less than 5 definitely. The boy walks over and hugs his and tells him he loves him...I cry every single time I see this commercial. Which is why I feel like I need to start taking steps to make myself feel better. Doing more things for myself that help me de-stress. For instance I have taken to aromatherapy to help with my stress levels and mood. I don't put a lot of stock in it or swear by it but I do like having the nice aromas in my house and they do help me relax. I've even found a mixture that helps me sleep. It is small but it helps and every little bit is nice. I've thought about going back to therapy but haven't committed to it yet. 

• Emotionally
• This really kind of goes hand in hand with mentally. I am tired of being on an emotional roller coaster. I know it won't stop completely with IF. I know I can cut it out the negative influences. For example in the past when I have talked to a certain person about my struggles with IF they make me feel stupid for being upset. They make comments that just make me feel worse. It is so hard to talk to people about IF if they have not experienced it themselves because they don't truly understand what you're going through. For example I have days where I hate my body. I have days where I fell broken and my body has betrayed me. I have days where I feel like I am less of a woman because my ovaries don't release eggs on their own. I have days where I feel like a bad wife because I can't give my Husband children without medical intervention. I cry and get even more depressed every. single. time. I take a pregnancy test and it is negative or I get bad news about a cycle - then all I want to do is lay in bed. 


• People really have no idea and that is okay because I would not wish IF on anyone. If I talk to you about my/our struggle(s) all I really want you to do is listen and be supportive. Don't tell me it took you a while to get pregnant when it only took you 7 months. We have be trying for 2 years now - yes longer than we've been married (for this very reason). I'm sorry this one kind of turned into an IF rant. I get kind of emotional about it if you couldn't tell, but it is all true.

• Physically
• I really want to lose weight and I know I really need too. I weigh 235 the most I have weighed ever and it is really depressing to think about. I really want to get down to 150 which is at the top of the range for my height. Although I would be happy with being 160 which is where I was in HS. I know it won't happen quickly but I am going to starting full force now. I am going to start eating healthier (times and food) and exercising on a regular basis. I've been making excuses for too long now. While my job doesn't make it easy to eat at the right times it is doable. The main force fueling my motivation right now is knowing if I lose weight I will have a healthier and happier pregnancy when it finally happens. This is a huge motivation for me. Being healthier in general and having better overall health is just icing on the cake. 

• Being a better wife and focusing on my Husband
• He has been so amazing through our journey so far. He's been strong and supportive even when his heart was breaking with mine. Without him I don't know what I would do. He's an amazing man and I am so lucky to have him in my life and by my side. We've had a lot happen recently. Some bad and some good and I have tried to be as supportive for him as he has been for me. I only hope I am succeeding. In April we will have been married for 2 years and I don't even see an end in sight. I am excited to have a lifetime experiencing new things with him and growing together. He's the love of my life and he helps me be a better person. He is such a blessing.

I know this post was kind of depressing (except for the part about my Husband) but thank you for taking the time to read it. Here is to hoping this new year will be our year to start our family as well as our friends find this same happiness. We have connected with some amazing people who are struggling with IF and we wish them all the best. They have supported us and prayed for us even though we don't know them personally (some we do) and we want them to know we return the favor. I'm excited to see what 2014 has in store for us. 

Thanksgiving + Update

Thanksgiving Day!!

John and I hosted Thanksgiving at our place this year. My Dad and Stepmom were out of town this year which is where we typically go (if we go anywhere). John was so excited because this was our first time hosting Thanksgiving as a married couple. We cooked a huge meal and my brothers came over. We had turkey, ham, deviled eggs, green bean casserole, and mashed potatoes; for dessert we had brownies and pistachio pudding. We ate and watched Friends - we had an amazing time! Then we played Xbox together. My Mom wasn't able to make it but we missed her. I made sure to send leftovers home with the boys so she could at least enjoy the delicious food!

Things I am thankful for:

My Husband, John - he has been so amazing this year (well in general). We have been through a lot this year - some highs and some lows. No matter what he is there for me and takes care of me. He is so patient and loving with me. I know our infertility journey has been hard on him but he really has been so strong for me throughout this. I can't wait until we have our little miracle family because I know he will make a wonderful Father to our children.

My Family - They are amazing and I wouldn't be who I am today without them. They keep me crazy and sane at the same time if that is even possible. They are a crazy bunch but I they are amazing nonetheless.They have supported me and loved me through my rough times. I hope they know how much I love them and how much they mean to me.

As for an update on our infertility journey. We have an appointment with an RE on Dec. 16th. We are going to talk to them about Femara. It is like Clomid but some women respond to one and not the other. I am hoping that if my doctor thinks it is worth trying this will be the case for us. If not then we have exhausted oral meds and will have to move on to injects. I am super nervous and stressed about this. However I know no matter what we have to do to have our little family it will all be worth it. If we do move on to injects we will have to decide on whether we want to try IUI or jump straight to IVF. I think John is leaning toward IVF because while it is more expensive it does have better success rates than IUI. I'm not sure where I am with it honestly. Ideally I would want to do IVF rather than trying IUI but I'm just not sure. The whole thing stresses me out. Right now I am just trying to take this one day at a time and not stress too much.

Follie Check

Today at 2:50pm we had our follie check to see the progress of what had happened due to us being on Metformin + Dexamethasone + Clomid this cycle.

Guess what was there!!

NOTHING...

Yeah freaking nothing. No follies.

Our doctor told us we have two options. We can go on break for a couple of months and I can start taking birth control + Spironolactone to bring my testosterone levels down even more. Then in a couple of months check my levels and if they are low enough we can try the Clomid again. If we don't want to do this he recommends we go to an Reproductive Endocrinologist so we can start injectables that are stronger and will make me ovulate.

John and I had a long conversation about what we should do. John thinks we should move on to the RE and talk to them about injectables. Quite honestly I do agree. I am not looking forward to injectables but in the end I know it will be worth it. He looked into our insurance to see what it will and won't cover in regards to IUI and IVF. We are going to wait for responses to the questions we sent to our health insurance provider and then make an appointment with an RE. Come up with a new plan and decided if we want to try IUI or jump to IVF.

I was pretty devastated when we initially came home but now I am feeling better. I am still really upset about the fact that the Clomid did absolutely nothing. That right now we are just stuck in this waiting game until it is time to start a new cycle. However the fact that our insurance is actually going to cover a good deal of our expenses for IVF makes me feel better. I am feeling hopeful for the future of our journey - even if I am not excited about injectables.

Now I am going to work on focusing on losing weight and taking better care of myself. That's all I can do and try to be positive because I know that negativity will only hurt me more in the long run.

One Day At a Time

Today was better than yesterday but still not great. I went to work and had a pretty decent day but it seemed no matter what I couldn't shake my depressed state. Somehow almost every single song had some thing that made me just want to burst into tears. I felt like I was on the verge of tears all day long. A couple times I teared up and had to take the time to come down from that ledge. I can't after all be crying at my tables.

This morning before work I called and scheduled an ultrasound for tomorrow to see if the Clomid actually worked. So tomorrow we have an appointment at 2:50pm to see if any follicles are maturing on the Clomid or if nothing is happening. If nothing is happening it will be the end of this cycle of treatment. No more waiting around until CD 30 to see what happened. If nothing is happening I am going to talk to my doctor about Femara. Femara is used for the same purpose of Clomid but sometimes women with PCOS respond better to Femara.

Based on whatever my doctor says will depend on what our next step is. We will either do one of two things probably. Either we will take a month break and I will go back onto Spironolactone to try and reduce my testosterone levels again. Or we will do another medicated cycle with Femara if I'm not responding to the Clomid.

I am trying so hard to prepare myself for tomorrow. I am hoping for good news but at the same time I am trying to remain realistic. I don't want to get my hopes up and then have them crushed tomorrow. When really I know it won't matter. I can go over all of the outcomes in my mind and have thought about them and what they mean for us but in the end it won't matter. If we get less than good news tomorrow I am going to be crushed because it will be another fail.

So really at this point I am stuck in this waiting loop that is a nightmare.

Sometimes You're Going to Break Down.

So yesterday started off fine then went to not great to just a mess.

I woke up in an odd mood of sorts. I didn't feel personable just very socially distant; which is never a good way to start the morning unless I have the day off - which I didn't. I had to work all day. I got yelled at by my boss at work because I was on time...she insists we be there 15 minutes early for a pre-shift meeting even though we aren't scheduled that early. Whatever I knew I was supposed to be there early and something family came up so I was right on time - which to her means I was late. She pulled me aside and chewed me out for it in front of out brand new manager that I had never met. Thanks a lot. Number one I don't need that - especially since I am ALWAYS on time. Number two that makes me look bad when this was one time.

So on my break I'm on Facebook on my phone chatting with some girls from work about random stuff and I come across a status update from one of my best friends from Nwa announcing she is pregnant. Not only is she pregnant she is due in April so she is about half way done. She knows the gender of her baby - which is in the post. I immediately texted John who was at home. I told him the news and just said wtf.

Let me start this portion by saying this. I am very happy for her and her sister. Both are pregnant and both are very very good friends of mine. I love them like family and they have been there for me through a lot. I know both women will be amazing mothers without a doubt. Congratulations are in order for both of them. I love you both if you read this.

That being said this was not my reaction when I first read this post. I knew I was happy but all of the sudden I am trying to hold back tears sitting next to my coworkers because she has what I want so desperately. I teared up just a little bit but seemed to keep it together and tried to act normal for the rest of our conversation - even though I noticed I became more distant. Work picked up and I didn't think about it for several hours. At the end of the night I got to eat because I trained and as I am eating and everything is coming down and my mind can actually start thinking about other things besides work it starts to sink in and hit me. All of the sudden I realize I am about to freak out and I am still at work. One of the girls who I had been talking to came in and noticed I was upset. She mentioned she had noticed earlier but didn't want to say anything because the girl we were sitting with is new and doesn't know us that well. I told her I was fine and about the news I had read on FB. She gave me hug because she knows about our struggle and she just told me she was really sorry. It was very sweet and I really appreciated it.

I took some deep breaths and finished my closing work so I could come home to my wonderful Husband - who I hadn't seen all day. When I got home I was on the verge of just emotionally breaking down because I had been holding it in all day and finally I was home. Home were no one would judge me for being upset someone is pregnant and make me sound like an awful person and take it personally. Home were I can cry my makeup off in that ugly way and not care. I think I made it 5ish minutes of being home before I just hit a wall and it all came crumbling down. John noticed I was tearing up and he hugged me and just "It's going to be alright" and bam nothing but tears. I don't know how long we stood there in our bedroom but I cried and I cried. He continued to reassure me but just held me which is what I needed. When I calmed down for a moment he went back to continue fixing dinner and instructed me to get changed and go sit on the couch and relax. He is so sweet and amazing. I managed to make it out of the rest of my work clothes and just had to sit on the bed and I cried again. He came back I think two or three more times and I was still just crying.

I know I have a couple ladies that read my blog and completely understand where I am coming from and then I have others who read this blog to keep up with us and support us - and I love you all!

This announcement hit me worse than any other announcement has. I see them all the time. Someone just had their baby...someone else is having their baby...someone else just found out their pregnant; and usually while it makes me think about our situation and how much just absolutely sucks I don't dwell on it and it is relatively fine. This girl is my best friend. I know her very very well. This part is going to sound kind of bad and I don't mean it to be ugly. But she isn't married - which I am not condemning her for. My brain just goes into overdrive and freaks out because I am married. We do have room for kids and are actively trying to have kids. We have been trying for 23 months - yes we've made it to 2 years. Then from there I get upset because I wish we could just catch a break. I wish that things would just happen like they did for her with no care in the world. I wish my body worked like it was supposed too. People who haven't suffered from infertility don't truly understand the magnitude of how hard and painful this is. I go through times where I feel pretty good. I do whatever our protocol is and it's fine. Then I  have days where I wake up hating this cycle we're stuck in. Hating my body for betraying me and not working like it should. Hating everything that goes with infertility. Then I start looking at the fact that most of my closer friends have kids. My younger cousins have kids and they aren't married (again not condemning). Its just I look at all of it and it is just like why not us?

Needless to say yesterday ended up being awful. Thank goodness for my amazing Husband. I came home from work and he took care of me. He cooked me dinner of exactly what I wanted. He tried to get me to relax. He's just so wonderful and he was exactly what I needed last night - understanding and patient.