Playing the Waiting Game

We're going on 6 months of fighting with our previous insurance to pay our fertility clinic so we can get back to cycling. My goal was to be able to start our ERA cycle in January or February and that hasn't due to them fighting our claim even though it definitely should be covered. It is extremely frustrating. 

A friend from school announced her wife's pregnancy and I was completely blindsided. I was hurt she didn't tell me when they found out; especially since we have bonded over the fertility process. It made me feel forgotten by some of my friends from school who I haven't heard from at all. All of this was amplified by the fact that tomorrow is my estimated due date from my second miscarriage last year. I am so excited for them. I know how hard they have worked for this. How much they have wanted it. But I also got sucked into the "why not me" darkness that usually comes with especially hard announcements. 

My therapist asked if I was scared to start cycling again and I told her no. The truth is, I'm not scared to start cycling again, whenever that happens, but I am terrified of being pregnant again. I want to get through our ERA cycle and hopefully figure out we've been transferring our embryos on the wrong day so I feel like we have a better chance at success. I know if we get results saying we have been transferring on the right day then I will be scared to cycle because then what could possible be the issue? I am trying not to stress about it but the longer it takes to start cycling the easier it is for my mind to wonder to this unpleasant topic. At least with cycling I have something to keep my mind busy. Hopefully insurance gets off their ass soon and gets our claim paid. 

Considering our next move

After talking with my RE about both of my miscarriages she recommended we take a break from cycling and do an ERA test; ERA stands for endometrial receptivity analysis. Basically we would cut down my medications to just a few and instead of transferring an embryo my RE would take a biopsy of my uterine lining and have it tested. The test would determine if we are transferring our embryos at the right time or if it needs to be adjusted.

We attempted to do this with 2 different cycles and my body simply would not cooperate. We had to cancel both cycles and plan to do another. With the second cycle I finally just got tired of it. We have been cycling on and off with my RE now for almost 2 years which is not really a long time but that's also only 2 years of the 7 we have been trying now. Even when we were not in the middle of a cycle it still consumed our lives. Are we doing enough? Should we be doing more? Should we go more natural? Are we saving enough? Have we tried everything we can? Should we be asking more questions? There is so much that you worry about that your downtime doesn't even seem like downtime.

So with the second ERA cycle I finally was just done. I talked to John about what I wanted to do and once we had come to our own decision, I emailed my nurse and let her know I was done. I was ending the cycle and stopping my medication because I needed a break. I sent this email on Oct. 9th, 2018. At first, I wasn't sure I was making the right decision but the longer I have thought about it. Thought about where I am mentally and emotionally, I know I made the right decision for me; no matter how hard it was to make. We chose to take the remainder of the year off from cycling. Absolutely nothing to do with cycling. We know we want to pick back up either in January or February but other than that we haven't done a thing. In this time, I have realized how much I needed this.

Based on my initial FET in February 2018 I should be a Mother by now. I should be holding a child and loving them unconditionally. But that's not what happened. Instead I have a tub of baby stuff I have collected that haunts me. Almost laughs at me mockingly every time I see it. It serves as a reminder of what I have desperately worked towards only to have it torn away from me. I reached out to a therapist here in town that specializes in infertility counseling. If nothing else, this break has shown me how much I need help. I have been putting off going to counseling for a long time. Always finding an excuse or convincing myself that I had things in order. I don't and I haven't for a long time. I know it has had an impact on my life as a whole but definitely on my marriage and I can't allow that any longer. My goal is to work on myself through my own resources and through going to counseling. My hope is that it puts me in a better place to start cycling again after the beginning of the year.

FET #3

On June 14th we transferred these beautiful embryos. The one on the bottom is completely hatched and the one on the top is still trying to hatching but definitely in a good position. My RE was very happy with the quality of our embryos after thawing.

Our beta was schedule for June 25th! I can't find my results for beta #1 but the second beta came back at 533. I was very excited to be pregnant but I was constantly worried something was going to happen.

On July 2nd I started bleeding while I was at work and again had another miscarriage. I was 5w1d with this pregnancy as well.


I took the week off of work and class to be with myself. I did not feel like I had the energy to be in class and pretend everything was okay. Several betas later my hcg had gone back down to 0 and I was officially no longer pregnant. I was thankful however that this miscarriage happened naturally and I did not have to have a D&C again. It sounds silly but the first D&C was really hard and I just wasn't prepared to go through it again.

Up next: Considering our next move

ER Visit 2/24

I was getting up from a nap when I felt a whoosh between my legs. I knew immediately something was wrong because it is the same kind of feeling I get when my period starts. I went to the bathroom and discovered some blood. I immediately called my nurse. While I know spotting can be normal in early pregnancy I still wanted to call and get her opinion. After listening to me describe the incident and the amount of blood she told me it did not sound like anything to worry about. I also asked my Ladies in my infertility FB group that I am active in to see what they had to say. Most seemed to say the same thing because it seemed minor but a couple told me if I felt like I needed to go to the ER to do so. They also mentioned they probably would not be able to do a lot for me due to the fact that I was so early in my pregnancy but if I felt I needed to go, then I should. My nurse also told me this. At first I was fine. I decided I would just try to relax and and decided to lay back down. When I woke back up this happened again except this time it was worse. I text John and he immediately came home and took me to the emergency room.

I was in the emergency room for almost 8 hours. I got seem almost immediately and everyone very nice and considerate of what I was potentially going through. One of the first things they did was run some labs including a beta to see where it was at. My beta in the ER came back at 5682 which gave us a little bit of hope that this could just be a normal bleed. We left the ER that night was a small amount of hope but no real answers. We were told it could be a number of things but because I was so early they could not see anything on the ultrasound so we would have to rely on beta numbers for now. I was instructed to go get a new beta drawn on Monday. That beta came back at 1600 which means I was having a miscarriage. I personally believe I fully passed most of the tissue when I was at the ER but did not know what it was at the time.

I lost my pregnancy at 5w1d on February 24th.

My betas for this cycle were:

2/15: 146
2/20: 1180
2/24: 5682
2/26: 1600
2/27: 544

Because I was having a miscarriage after the 27th I had weekly beta draws to ensure it went back down to 0. It steadily decreased until it randomly started going back up. This was a nightmare because in my mind I was wondering if maybe one embryo had passed but the other was holding on. While my RE said this was highly highly unlikely I still held onto that chance. Ultimately my my beta stabilized and barely budged so my RE recommended having a D&C done to go in and remove the remaining tissue that was preventing my beta from going down. My 8 week ultrasound should have been on April 3rd, my birthday. My D&C for my miscarriage was on April 4th. My RE mentioned she did find tissue that had not passed and she believed that was why my beta would not go down to 0. About 2 weeks after my D&C my beta was down to 0 which meant my D&C was successful and we could move on.

Up next: FET #3

Betas!

A beta is the blood test that determines whether or not a woman is pregnant. There are 2 different beta tests - qualitative and quantitative. The qualitative is a yes/no kind of test; where as the quantitative gives an actual number. For woman doing infertility treatments their clinics often request the quantitative because they want to make sure the levels are adequately rising. If it isn't it could be an indicator of potential miscarriage.

Out first beta for this cycle on February 15th and it came back at a 146! Which is awesome because it meant we are pregnant! Our second beta was on February 20th and came back at 1180. We transferred 2 beautiful embryos on February 7th which means our estimated due date (EDD) for a single baby would be October 26th or if we wind up with twins would be October 5th.

Our first ultrasound should be in about 2 weeks which would put me right around 6 1/2 weeks.

Up next: ER Visit 2/24

Instagram and our Cycle

With our IVF and even first FET we kept everything pretty hush hush. This was mainly because I didn't want the pressure of having to keep everyone up to date on what was going on and the results. I really just wanted to privacy. I wasn't really sure what to expect with IVF and the stories I had read from other Ladies varied greatly. So I didn't want to get in over my head. Everyone who did know has been super supportive and is really great about waiting for us to give them information but I just didn't want the added stress even if minimal.

Somewhere along the way in our second FET I decided to start sharing on Instagram. It still kept almost everyone in the dark. I don't use instagram a lot and most people who follow me are friends not family (although there is some family). So I didn't feel like it was that big of a deal to share there. Plus, with instagram and using hashtags I felt like it would bring some kind of light to others as to part of the process. I wound up having others follow me who had either been through the process and even some professionals. It was actually really nice to have that kind of extra support I didn't have before. It was also nice to see the comments from friends and family along the way as I was sharing. I honestly think doing this helped my positivity and hope through the process due to the extra support. At first I was of course nervous but in the end I am very glad that I chose to share at least some of the journey on social media.

Up Next: Beta Day!!

February FET - #2

For FET #2 I feel like I was a lot more relaxed. I was excited but I was not as excited as I had been with our first FET. Maybe, it was a fear of getting too excited and hopeful. Maybe, it was just a more relaxed approach. It was honestly a mix of both. I was excited to be starting again but I was nervous it would not turn out like the first one. I was also worried things were so perfect the first time how could they be as good the second time. I had a lot of emotions going around.

At my baseline ultrasound my lining was around a 3ish which was lower than the first round. I had a longer cycle even past my baseline so I was worried I was losing even more lining after this appointment. So when I went to my prelining check I had already come to terms that it was going to be too thin to transfer at that time. Which is fine because my RE schedules 2 different lining checks. If you're ready at the first check you don't have to go to the second and if you're not then you do. So it really wouldn't have been a serious issue if my lining wasn't ready because I had another appointment. However, at my prelining my lining was 10ish so thicker than the cycle before and my RE specifically said this time that it was triple striped which is what they look for. I was pleasantly surprised by this and beyond excited. So we were ready to transfer our two beautiful embryos on Feb. 7th.

The day came and we made our way to St. Louis for the transfer and the air was mixed with excitement and anxiety. I was trying not to be too hopeful but I felt good about this cycle. We had the hysteroscopy acting as an endo scratch which helped out odds and we were transferring 2 embryos instead of 1. I just felt like we were throwing so much at this cycle it had to be better than the last. Transfer was little more uneventful this round.  I took my Valium and we waited for them to come get us. There were no jokes this time, just business. We watched together again as the flash came on the ultrasound screen as they transferred our embryos. Then the long wait began until our beta for this cycle. John and I have always had a white board somewhere in our home as long as we've been dating that we would use to write sweet messages to each other on. We felt it was appropriate to write a sweet message to our embryos during the two week wait.

Our embryos we transferred Feb. 7th

Our message to our embryos

Up Next: Instagram and our Cycle